Thursday, December 18, 2014

A Narcissist Wants Your Undying Loyalty

A malignant narcissist doesn't have a loyal bone in her body. Yet, she expects undying loyalty from her  "friends." She will put you to the test, to prove your loyalty. Oftentimes, this is in the form of favors. For instance, she may need you to drive her children to certain activities. Or, she may want you to watch them for extended periods of time. (Narcissistic mothers typically shirk their responsibilities, and recruit others to raise their brood.)

Cold and calculating, they don't care about anyone else. It's all about them. They demand a lot, and you need to comply, if you wish to maintain the "friendship." As soon as you resist, or your use expires, she will discard you.

She may get angry the first time you say "no," and then decide to "punish" you by finding someone else to help her out. A narcissist's ego is so inflated, that she believes you're rewarded, or compensated, just by being in her company.

Or, perhaps the activity you drove her children to has ended. This also spells the end of the "friendship."

If you're a relatively new reader, you may not be familiar with the term "discard." This is a predictable phase that happens when you're involved with someone who has an anti-social personality disorder, such as malignant narcissism or even borderline personality disorder. There's also a non-technical way to describe these types, and that is "toxic."

Because people with these character flaws do not have empathy, or suffer remorse when they hurt others, they deceive and manipulate people to serve their own ends. If you're useful to them, then they keep you around. As soon as you're not, they dump you. But, oftentimes, they don't just walk away. Instead, right before they say goodbye, they decide to destroy your life.

This can include spreading outrageous lies about you, so that you become socially isolated. Or, if you work with the narcissist, she may try to get you fired.

We hear a lot about romantic relationships that have gone bad. However, female "friends" are capable of great treachery as well.

Discarding cannot be avoided, because it is impossible to please a narcissist over the long term. They have very stringent standards that no mortal could ever measure up to.

Unfortunately, the "friend" who pulls the trigger is the same one we were once willing to take a bullet for.

Pixabay image top by Hans

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Being Friends with a New Person Following Narcissistic Abuse

As you recover from narcissistic abuse, at some point, you'll meet new people who are potential friends. Many people who survive such an experience report that they now attract folks with more integrity, as they are unwilling to stand for any more psychopathic games. This is one of the blessings that comes from your encounter with a disordered personality.

Since this blog is about female predators, whom emotionally abuse other women, I'm writing specifically about female "frenemies," or enemies in disguise. You learn of their true nature after they've created conflict in your life, and ruined other relationships. (But don't spend too much time mourning these other "friendships," as the connection was weak to begin with.)

Anyway, my own encounter with a malicious female sent me reeling, because she was one of the last people I thought would betray me. The fact that a "friend" had been working for years to destroy me was shocking. But it made me think about why I attracted such a character in the first place. I needed to change, if I didn't want another narcissist in my life.

One of the most critical changes centered around what I would tolerate. I had been too willing to put up with abuse. A critical "friend" is not a true friend. Someone who makes unkind comments, even if she's only trying to "help" you, is not someone you need around. Since cutting off contact with this person, my social problems resolved themselves.

Now that I know what to look for, I am taking the advice of television psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw. When a new person enters my life, I put them on a "watch list."

This, I believe, is an excellent recommendation. Personality disorders are so prevalent today, so we have to be very careful with people we don't know well.

In recent years, I've met some wonderful new friends. Never again will I allow a malignant narcissist to gain access to my world.

Unfortunately, though, I still seem to attract them. However, the relationship doesn't even get off the ground. I'm looking for warning signs, and I think they know it.

Narcopaths are always searching for a target. Once they realize it's not going to be me, they quickly move on.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Monday, December 15, 2014

Has Hollywood Made Us More Narcissistic?

My grandmother used to love old movies. Even though she was a serious woman, these vintage flicks would bring a smile to her face.

They were very entertaining. Invariably, they were love stories, involving a beautiful and manipulative vixen who manages to land the man of her dreams. Through plotting, scheming and game playing, the vain, shallow, self-absorbed heroine always got what she wanted. Then the movie ended, and, presumably, everybody lived happily ever after.

There was no sequel to show that life was probably miserable living with this woman. Her desire for the finer things in life, coupled with a need for constant pampering, must have worn thin for her husband, as the story lines always the main characters in the direction of walking down the aisle.

If children were part of the picture, they were typically portrayed as being very well dressed and clean  cut. Mom treated them more as expenditures of herself, rather than real people, with real wants and needs. Often, they were handed over to a nanny, or another female caretaker, because their mother had more important things to do. She'd give them a cursory peck on the cheek, and off she'd go. The message is that she had much better things to do.

These "heroines" have been portrayed as the ideal women, and these movies gave the distinct impression that if you are good at conniving, you'll be rewarded. You'll end up with Prince Charming, who will whisk you away to his castle, where you'll never have to lift a finger for yourself, or anyone else.

The female stars in these movies were horrible role models. We've been watching these films for generations, and I wonder how many women have internalized the terrible values they promote. I also wonder how much they've contributed to the current epidemic of female narcissism.

Pixabay image top by skeeze

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Friends Who are Moody

One clue that a person is toxic is that they're not even tempered. This is a bad sign when you're just getting to know someone. Despite the newness of the relationship, you feel as if you have to be careful not to say the wrong thing.

Everyone has their off days. Mature people are able to put whatever's bothering them into a mental box. This enables them to act politely toward other people, regardless of their own disappointments or upsets. However, people with personality disorders aren't always able to do this. Under stress, their true character shines through.

If someone doesn't hold you in high enough regard to at least treat you with civility, then you might want to take stock of this "friendship." Perhaps, it's not what you imagined it to be. Of course, everyone has a bad day. If you've known someone for a long time, and they're a trusted friend, you can cut them a lot more slack.

But someone you barely know, who wants to cultivate a relationship with you, shouldn't be lashing out, or acting angry or aloof. This indicates a lack of respect for you or poor self control, or, perhaps, a combination of both. Would you treat someone you cared about in this manner? Probably not.

Or, you may simply notice a friend or acquaintance runs hot and cold. You can't quite put your finger on whether this person is being rude or not. But you are left with a vague uncomfortable feeling. (Don't ignore this.)

This moodiness is to be taken seriously, especially if you know you've done nothing to offend them. If you like this person, you can try asking them what is wrong. If you don't get a satisfactory answer, definitely be careful. This means you should avoid entrusting this person with your secrets.

Oftentimes, the only early clues you are dealing with a covert narcissist are brief flashes of anger, or sudden moodiness. "Frenemies" aren't sure whether they love you or hate you. Usually, it's the latter. These are not people you need in your life.

True friends are approachable at all times. If something is bothering them, or they want more space, they tell you honestly. The relationship feels right. You feel comfortable.

Toxic "friendships" leave you with an icky feeling. They erode your confidence. So heed the warning signs.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Friday, December 12, 2014

Malignant Narcissists Want You to Suffer

Never underestimate a malignant narcissist and what she is capable of. Couple this with the fact that she derives pleasure from watching you suffer, and you can begin to understand how dangerous it is to let one of these characters into your life.

It gets worse. Most malignant narcissists have learned how to perfect their cover, so, when you first meet them, there are only a few few telltale signs. They seem just like regular people, except that, early in the relationship, they often come across as more likable. They are fun and engaging.

Because they seek to make a quick connection, they quickly size you up and learn what you are interested in. Then, they pretend they like the very same things that do. This allows them to pose as your soul mate.

Finally, you've found someone who totally understands you. (A little too much, because narcopaths seize upon your weaknesses in order to harm you.) So you confide in this wonderful new "friend."

However, everything bit of information is like a stick of dynamite. When she's accumulated enough of these sticks, she's ready to light a match.

She will construct a series of scenarios designed to humiliate you. Each time you stumble, she'll gleefully point this out to everyone who happens to be watching. These traps will be carefully set up, so that it appears as if you're doing something wrong. Then, using the art of innuendo and exaggeration, she will skillfully turn people against you.

Much of the suffering you endure comes because you realize people you thought you could count on have let you down.

One out of every four people meet the criteria for having an anti-social personality disorder, an umbrella term that includes malignant narcissism, psychopathy and even borderline personality disorder. There are no clear lines separating these different categories.

If you have a "friend" with such a character flaw, it is going to end with a bang.

That's why it's good to learn all you can about malignant narcissists, and how to spot them, in order to protect yourself from their charades.

Pixabay image top by OpenClips

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Why a Narcissist Wants to Maintain the Relationship

Malicious people seem to know when you've had enough of their act. This is when they'll suddenly revert to their best behavior, in order to draw you back in to their toxic world. They do this to keep you in the relationship.

Why does a narcissist want to maintain a "friendship" with you, when she doesn't care about you? Perhaps she even hates you, an emotion driven by her insane envy. You catch glimpses of her true feelings when she makes a critical remark, which seems to come out of nowhere. Or, she may lash out at you for no apparent reason. She may also become "moody" during the times she can't keep her disdain for you under wraps.

So, why does she want to be your "friend?"

At this point, you still serve a purpose. Malignant narcissists, also known as high-functioning sociopaths, view other people as objects. They don't care about your feelings, and, if they hurt you, they have no regrets. However, as long as you have a use, they'll keep you around.

Maybe you are acquainted with people she wants to get to know herself. In that case, a female narcissist will keep you in the picture, just long enough until it's socially acceptable to contact these people on her own. Once she's able to do that, she'll quickly dump you. These secondary relationships are why she became your "friend," in the first place.

Many malignant narcissists don't like caring for their children. So they need someone else to step in. Oftentimes, it's one of their "friends." They "nurture" this "friendship" as long as it's convenient. As soon as it's not, they move on.

This is how narcissists operate. However, even if you are all used up, they still may not let you say "goodbye." That's because they want to be the ones to end things. This is called "discarding." Most narcissists are not content to simply walk away. They prefer to dump people in a cruel and calculating manner.

That's why, if you decide to leave before this plays out, a fake friend will try to hold on to the "friendship." But only long enough until she's able to end it her way.

Pixabay image top by viro

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Female Treachery is the Worst

I must thank an online buddy for the inspiration for this post. He acquainted me with the proverb, "The corruption of the best is the worst," in regards to how women treat each other. He pointed out that women, at their best, are kind and compassionate, in a way far superior to the male gender. However, when corrupted, they turn into ugly beasts, capable of great treachery.

It is this paradox that can make female friendships fraught with disaster. Women seem to relate to one another with much more emotional complexity than the typical man does with his friends. This is something I noticed when my children were small. If my son had a group of friends over, these boys easily entertained themselves. If they were given a ball, they'd happily play for hours.

However, things were much different for my daughter. She was shy and awkward and had difficulty making friends. Little girls size each other up before they'll interact. This is a practice that starts young. Even three-year-old girls can be very choosy about whom they'll play with.

Most women form strong bonds with their female friends. We treasure these relationships because another woman understands us in a way that even our husbands don't. We share our thoughts, wishes, hopes and desires with other women. Oftentimes, we trust them with our secrets. This can be a mistake, as all too many of us learned in hindsight, after the damage was done. This is why betrayal by a female "friend" can be so devastating.

When a woman is corrupted by envy, anger, revenge, the desire for power or the need to boost her own ego, she becomes toxic to her "friends." She will betray them the most ruthless, heartless fashion.

Also, when a female "friend" turns against you, it's never a clean process. Most female bullying involves relational aggression, which consists of telling outrageous lies and damaging half-truths in an effort to turn other people against you.

Pixabay image top by OpenClips