Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Don't Try to Make a Narcissist Feel Sorry for You.

By the time you realize you have a female narcissist in your life, she's probably caused a great deal of upheaval. She's damaged your reputation, your other relationships and possibly your job as well. If you work with such a morally disordered female, and she's turned on you, chances are it has devolved into a mobbing situation. Just about everyone else has aligned with her. Those who'd like to stand by your side slither away, out of fear they'll be next.

Since you're under enormous stress, it might be tempting to approach the narcissist to try and obtain some clemency. However, if the person in question really does suffer from a moral disorder, this won't work. That's because she's lacking the normal human emotions of empathy and remorse. She is unable to see things from your point of view and she has also probably convinced herself that you deserve this type of treatment.

Healthy people feel terrible if they realize they've hurt someone. However, someone with a full-blown case of narcissistic personality disorder is not bothered by the fact she's become a destructive force. Some narcissistic sociopaths even enjoy watching someone else suffer at their hands.

This is why exposing your innermost thoughts to a malignant narcissist is a huge mistake. At the very least, she's not going to care that she's hurting you. Quite possibly, she'll then use this information to better formulate her attack.

It's no use trying to reason with one of these emotional predators, any more than you'd try to reason with a great white shark circling in the water, seeking to devour you.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Monday, August 25, 2014

Your High Standards Bother a Malignant Narcissist

Narcissists have very warped thinking and they are insanely envious. These two traits together create some interesting dynamics. If you have something, they automatically want it, even if it's not of value or of no benefit to them. This includes money, material possessions, positions of honor, friendships and even your good name. They even desire very intangible things, such as integrity, virtue and high standards. Knowing they cannot compete with you on this level, since they lack ethics and integrity, they will even try to take these qualities away from you.

So, everyone thinks you're a nice person? This is the first thing a malignant narcissist will try to change. She'll spread rumors and do her utmost to provoke you in public, in hopes you'll react. If she can get you to lash out at her in front of her people, she's just proven her point. See, I told you so?

A morally disordered person will even set up various scenarios to make you look bad. For instance, she may ask you to do something that doesn't appear to be all that ridiculous. She may want you to ask a particular person a question, or, if it's an authority figure, request permission to do something. Meanwhile, behind your back, she will approach this same individual in order to undermine you. She may attribute nefarious motives to your actions, lying through her teeth to make you look bad.

What's driving her to do this? Malignant narcissists are so competitive that anything another person does, which casts them in a favorable light, is an threat to her self esteem. She views this as being one-upped, and she needs to settle the score. In her mind, things will "even out" if she can embarrass, humiliate and discredit you.

So, you have high standards? A narcissist doesn't, so she wants to steal yours. Even though a malignant narcissist isn't trying to kill your body, she's trying to destroy your life. That's why these emotional predators are highly dangerous.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Narcissists and the Pity Play

It's often hard to discern someone's character when you first meet them. But, in this day and age, we need to exercise discernment. This is all the more true if you've been the target of a narcissist in the past. Some of us are magnets for morally disordered people, who come in all shapes, sizes and guises.

Even psychologists may have a hard time picking them out of a crowd. Because morally disordered people are so adept at reading others, and feigning normal human emotions, they adapt their mask to fit the occasion, and so they're able to fool even the experts.

So, is there anything an emotional predator may do, to give you a heads up, before you become heavily invested in a relationship? Yes, according to Dr. Martha Stout, PhD., author of The Sociopath Next Door. She has found that malignant narcissists/sociopaths/con artists play the sympathy card early in a relationship.

Since malignant people often target empaths, this, apparently, is an effective device to draw you into their world, one of the last places you need to enter.

So beware when someone you don't well plays this hand. This is where discernment comes in. You may be dealing with a distressed person who desperately needs your sympathy and support. Or you may be dealing with a sociopath. Watch carefully for other signs, and, if you see them, rush for the exit.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Don't Try to Preserve a Relationship with a Malignant Narcissist

It's an exercise in futility trying to preserve a friendship with a borderline or a narcissist. Although things may go well for a while, it's only a matter of time until something happens to trigger her rage. People with malignant personalities often get upset over very inconsequential matters, which the average person wouldn't even notice.

Because of their inherent character flaw, they can only think in black and white terms. At any given moment, you are either all good or all bad. There's no middle ground. In her mind, if you happen to be good "good," then it's smooth sailing. If not, then you become public enemy number one. When this happens, a toxic personality will try to draw bystanders into the drama. Because lying is so natural for a malignant narcissist, she will stretch the true facts, and embellish the rest of the story with lies.

Narcissists are very charming, especially if you don't know them well. They also know how to mimic normal human emotions, which they don't have, in order to come across as convincing and believable. So they're able to create a lot of conflict in the lives of people close to them.

Life is too short to be living it walking on eggshells, in fear of getting on the bad side of a malignant narcissist. There are seven billion people on the planet and most of them do not suffer from this very debilitating character flaw. You're much better off cutting the narcissist loose and spending time with healthier folks.

Pixabay photo top by Hans

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Malignant Narcissists are Sarcastic

Sometimes it's difficult to discern malignant narcissism in someone you don't know well. This is also be a difficult task even if you've spent a fair amount of time with a person. That's because narcissists are so good at putting on a mask in order to convince the world of their benevolence. There is also a such thing as covert narcissists, which means they are so good at concealing their disorder that they're among the last people you'd ever suspect had such a dark side.

Oftentimes, you don't realize how disturbed they are until you're heavily invested in the relationship. And, once you let a narcissist into your life, chaos follows.

Are there any telltale signs to look for, if you suspect someone is a closet narcissist? Actually, there are a couple. One is an ability to control anger, even if you just see brief glimpses of this. Another is sarcasm, or jokes at someone else's expense. These may be subtle jabs, almost too small to register as being malicious. But the intent is to make another person, who isn't present, look bad. Because narcissists can be so amusing, we tend to overlook this sarcasm, or assume it's not quite so evil as it really is.

Nearly every narcissist I've known uses sarcasm very effectively. Not everyone with narcissistic traits take it the extra step, going out of their way to hurt people. But if someone is sarcastic and sadistic, this makes them very dangerous.

Pixabay photo by kheinz46

Monday, August 18, 2014

Competitive Women Can't be Happy for You

At the heart of malignant narcissism lies intense envy. Part of this disorder involves always having to be "the best." Because narcissistic women are so competitive, anything you have they want, and they'll go out of their way to take it from you. This can include your job, your friends and even very intangible things, such as your good name.

Watch your back if you are singled out for a promotion or for other special recognition, if you are more attractive than most of the other women in your office or if you happen to find the man of your dreams. Because of an unhealthy level of envy, this can be enough to make a very jealous green-eyed monster appear.

A morally disordered person suffering from malignant narcissism can't stand to see someone else succeed. Once you appear on her radar, you become her enemy and she'll do everything it takes to bring you back down to earth. What she wants is for you to land in a thud. By clipping your wings, she expects to be able to soar herself, even though it doesn't work this way.

Malignant narcissists can only think of themselves and what's in it for them. They lack the capacity to be truly happy for another person, and to wish them the very best. Instead, they see someone else's gifts and attributes as threatening. This is why they often choose targets who are attractive and personable. These are the type of people they want to destroy. Because malignant personalities do not play fair, and are prone to spreading malicious rumors, they usually do a great deal of damage to their target.

(Narcissists may also choose slightly awkward and vulnerable people as targets, solely because they can. That's because these types lack a strong support system, to step in when a morally disordered person launches an emotional assault.)

Pixabay image top by PublicDomainPictures

For a discussion of malignant narcissism from a spiritual perspective, please read my Church Bullies blog.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Can Malignant Narcissists Spot Each Other?

One thing I noticed in my dealings with a malignant narcissist is that morally disordered people have an almost superhuman ability to spot each other. Although I don't understand how this works, it's the only plausible explanation for how quickly and easily these types can hook up, in order to advance an agenda.

All I can figure out is that narcissists have a talent for sizing people up. They also have an uncanny ability to ferret out empaths, typically so they can "befriend" them before they begin to abuse them.

Whenever they want to put an evil plan into action, they always appear to know just who will assist them. Because a disordered personality always needs an enemy, the type of "help" they're typically looking for is assistance in destroying whomever it is they don't like.

If these dynamics play out on the job, it becomes a case of workplace mobbing. This is when a group of people attempt to drive a target from her job. (The majority of workplace targets are women.) Often, there is a lead bully who teams up with one or more others who have strong narcissistic features. Sometimes, though, these "flying monkeys" are just very deluded pawns who think they're doing the right thing, in a strange sort of way. (Narcissists are highly manipulative, and are able to get people to do things they normally wouldn't.)

Even though I was once the target of a mobbing, which happened in church, I still haven't quite figured out the exact dynamics of what took place.

Pixabay image top by Hans