Thursday, April 16, 2015

Finding Your True Friends

True friends are a treasure. They are also relatively rare. If you find just one or two in your lifetime, you are truly blessed.

Thinking about the handful of true friends I do have, I am extremely grateful for them. These are the people you know will not talk about you behind your back, or, worst case scenario, secretly plot your destruction. They stick by your side in good times and in bad. They are happy when things are going well for you, and sad when troubles arise. They enjoy spending time with you and will go out of their way to do so. (You do the same for them.)

No matter what happens, you know they're in your corner. They don't make cutting remarks to your face. They aren't envious of what you have, and they're not scheming to take it away from you.

True friends are loyal. They are not swayed by a hostile third party, whom wants them to leave your side. They simply will not take the bait, even if it means a measure of sacrifice, or forgoing some type of personal gain. They'd much prefer to not hurt their friend.

These characteristics are the opposite of malignant narcissism, which so many of us have experienced.

Actually, at this point in my life, I'd prefer to have no friends if I can't have true friends.

Ecclesiastics 6:15

A loyal friend is something beyond price, there is no measuring his worth.

Original Pixabay image top by geralt

Monday, April 13, 2015

Centaury Flower Essence Remedy

From time to time, I'm going to write about certain natural remedies that can be used to support your body in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. All of these approaches I have used myself, both before and after my run-in with a malignant narcissist.

I firmly believe that homeopathic remedies and essential oils can help the mind, as well as the body. Please understand that I'm not a healthcare professional, and that I'm only writing from personal experience. This is all presented as information, and is not meant to be substituted for medical advice.

The particular remedy I'm writing about today is called Centaury, and it's one of the Bach Flower Remedies developed by the late Dr. Edward Bach, MD, who spent the last 20 years of his life studying how various homeopathic flower preparations can help remove negative emotions and thought patterns. His work continues at the British-based Bach Center.

Anyway, Centaury is the remedy he selected, made from a delicate pinkish/purple flower that grows throughout Europe and Asia. Dr. Bach found that homeopathic Centaury can greatly help those of us some people refer to as "empaths," who may be taken advantage of by bullies. Centaury, according to Bach writings, is good for people who are quiet and may not be able to say "no." Others may impose upon us, asking us to overextend ourselves. People who are Centuary types tend to be easy to get along with.

Bach flower remedies, as well as regular homeopathy, have helped me a great deal. I am so thankful that we have these wonderful natural healing methods available, at a time when there's much goodness in the world, and so much ugliness as well.

Original Pixabay image by geralt

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Narcissism Behind the Mask

Malignant narcissists wear a mask because they're unable to show their true face to the world. This is one of the key traits of this really curious disorder. Most of them, especially the covert narcissists, come across as really nice and totally trustworthy. In fact, they are the opposite of whom they appear to be.

Lately, I've been reflecting upon my own experience with a deceitful friend, whom appeared to cause a lot of trouble with other relationships, especially one. It resulted in our family having to leave our place of worship, where my children had put down roots.

Forgiveness happened in stages. As someone else pointed out, this is easier when you have some distance. Without this, perhaps I wouldn't be able to get to the point of forgiveness. One thing that helped me greatly was exploring the dynamics of malicious or malignant narcissism, and realizing I was dealing with a profoundly disturbed individual.

Only someone who is seriously sick would be able to plot someone else's destruction, carry it through and pretend they are your friend while the drama unfolds.

Hidden behind the mask was a pathetic individual with nothing better to do with her empty life. It took me a long time to get to the point where I began to feel sorry for this person, and all the others she manipulated. 

Original Pixabay image by piper60

Monday, April 6, 2015

Sadistic Narcissists

Lately, I've been wondering if I've been throwing around the label of narcissism a little too liberally. So I want to clarify what I mean.

All of us, to a greater or lesser degree, have narcissistic traits. In and of itself, this isn't a bad thing. What I'm trying to do is to educate people on the fact that a minority of the population has unhealthy narcissism that prevents them from relating well to others. When this is coupled with a sadistic streak, we see individuals who relish in watching others suffer.

I'm not just referring to people whom can be difficult. Everyone, on any given day, has that ability. Instead, this blog is dedicated to everyone who's experienced the betrayal and treachery of highly malicious female narcissists, who are extremely clever and manipulative. They set their "friends" and coworkers up for extreme emotional pain and humiliation, either because they are envious or they just like to watch someone else being destroyed.

These types of narcissists, often referred to as "malignant narcissists," are extremely disturbed. Normal, healthy people do not like to watch others in distress and will do everything in their power to make the situation better. A malicious individual, on the other hand, will cause the suffering, and then try to make it worse.

These women are highly dangerous. They are incredibly sneaky, and nearly everyone, except their targets, realize what they're up to. They operate well in the workplace, because they are good at reading people and using others to their advantage.

They are also very expensive to employ, as someone has to foot the bill for retraining and severance packages. That's because they bully their colleagues, and they don't let up until their current target either quits or is fired. Then they choose someone else to pick on, and the cycle begins again.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Walking Away from "Friends"

Someone asked me today what to do if you belong to a group of "friends," and are targeted by a female bully.

In most cases, you won't find the support you need within the group. This dynamic is happening because the instigator senses a weakness. If your group included people of integrity, whom wouldn't allow someone else to be abused, none of this would be happening. But because she knows this isn't the case, and you won't be defended, she launches her assaults. (Narcs are excellent people readers.)

That's why, if you find yourself involved in such nonsense, the best choice is to simply walk away. What I'm describing is a toxic situation that's only going to deteriorate.

Even though you'll probably miss your "friends," initially, I'll trot out a cliche that holds true. "Time heals all pain."

Eventually, you'll feel a sense of relief, because the narcissist is finally out of your life. So are all those enablers who gave her "permission" to mistreat you. They were overly concerned with their own interests, so they didn't do the right thing.

In the long run, though, you're not going to miss the drama. In time, you'll meet new people who don't suffer from character disorders. So, feel free to depart from anything that resembles what's described above. You won't regret it.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Narcissism and Hostility

Experience is the best teacher and hindsight affords a wonderful perspective. After being burned by a female malignant narcissist, I've decided I want no more of them around. The trouble is, though, they can be difficult to spot.

Covert narcissists initially come across as meek and mild. It makes you think of the cliche, "She was the nicest person you'd ever want to meet." They seem too good to be true, because they are. Inside, they are smoldering with resentment. If they perceive you have an advantage, they'll launch a full-scale attack to strip you of whatever it is, because they want it for themselves.

Although a female narcopath may pretend she's your friend, in reality she's plotting your destruction. (So the sooner you get rid of her, the better.) But, most of the time, you don't realize what she's up to until she's caused a lot of damage, which takes a long time to undo. Oftentimes, it can never be totally fixed.

Years ago, one thing I didn't pick up on, with the narc in my life, was the thinly veiled hostility. She didn't really like me, and sometimes this would bubble to the surface. I also believe I recently sidestepped another malignant narcissist, whom I also met at church. (Covert narcissists love churches and volunteer organizations.)

This time, though, I didn't get too involved, both because I didn't want to pursue the friendship, and also because I think I frightened her. (Narcs seem to know when you sense that something's up.)

One of my clues, once again, was the same subtle hostility. Without my prior run in, I may not have noticed, or realized that this woman probably didn't really like me. Consequently, I would have probably brushed it off, and not paid too much attention to her negative undertones. (At the same time, she was telling me how happy she was to have met me.)

By contrast, I've since met some wonderful people whom I can tell are genuinely happy to see me, and to spend time with me. I feel the same way about them. These relationships are fun, and without the constant tension you feel when you're with someone with a potential personality disorder.

Original Pixabay image by Hans

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Narcissist Abuse - Don't Take it Personally

Educating yourself about malignant narcissism is liberating. Finally, you realize that all the wacky behavior is not something to take personally.

Of course, I wish I learned these lessons much earlier in life. But better late than never.

Being raised in a very traditional family (my grandparents were, for all intents and purposes my parents), I was taught to be kind and courteous to everyone, even some of our relatives whom clearly behaved badly. Unfortunately, I learned to view these actions as normal. However, I don't blame my dearly departed grandparents. Not a bit. They did they best they could, considering the circumstances.

When they were growing up, this approach might have worked. However, it doesn't anymore. Our society is now gripped with an epidemic of narcissism. One researcher, Dr. Jean Twenge, PhD., is widely publicized for her believe that this type of character disorder is on the rise because we've raised a generation (or two) of children to believe they are super special.

Anyway, my upbringing didn't prepare me for the malicious people I'd later encounter. But experience is a great teacher.

One good outcome of bouncing back from being hammered by a malignant personality is that you view the world in a differently now.

You get much better at spotting disorderly reactions. Now, if someone runs hot and cold, and you know you haven't done anything to offend them, you don't take it to heart. Healthy people do not have these types of mood swings. You realize it's their issue and you're not responsible. You don't try to placate them. You let them walk away, because you don't want such mercurial people in your life anyway. 

Pixabay image by markusspiske