Friday, November 28, 2014

Abusers and Deceivers Always Wind Up Losing

A narcissist will take months, if not years, planning and plotting for just the right time to strike. She will never do anything unless she's assured of "victory." For a female narcissist, this means ruining her target's other friendships and separating her from important people in her life. She accomplishes this by telling outrageous fabrications, designed to make the target look bad.

This serves a dual purpose for the female bully. First, she gets to watch her target suffer, since what she's done is very cruel. (Malignant narcissists often derive pleasure from other people's pain.) With everyone questioning the target's actions and motives, the narcissist can now count on them not to offer any resistance when she launches a full-scale attack, designed to destroy the target.

Relationships are a game to a malignant narcissist. She wants to win at all costs. She views people as objects to be moved around in a game of emotional chess. A morally disordered person will spent an inordinate amount of time studying her moves, with a patience that would make a world-class chess player look impulsive.

Psychologists call this type of behavior "relational aggression." As it become more apparent that not all narcopaths and sociopaths are men, as was previously assumed, it's now known that female predators abuse their victims on a more emotional level, by marginalizing them and excluding them.

Although, if you're a target, it may seem as if the narcissist is flying high, this is only for a season. Her crash is coming. Narcopaths always end up losing, as their lies and deception eventually convict them.

Here are some of the many ways in which narcissists wind up as the ultimate losers.
  • Narcissists tend to target loyal people whom are actually their true friends, although it is a very one-sided arrangement. Throughout their lives, they ruin a series of these friendships. This is a loss, although they certainly don't realize it at the time.
  • Narcissists are miserable inside. If they weren't, they wouldn't behave in such a treacherous manner.
  • Along with this inner emptiness is deep self loathing. How can you possible like yourself, when you behave in a way so harmful to others?
  • Narcissists live in fear of exposure. They want to be loved and admired. But if people knew their true personality, they'd want nothing to do with them.
  • Malignant narcissists often end up lonely, as their lies catch up with them. Oftentimes, the pack of flying monkeys they recruit, to assist in their abuse of one target, end up turning on them.
  • As a Catholic, I also believe there are serious spiritual consequences to abusing someone. These will start in this life, and continue into the next.

Pixabay photo by LoboStudioHamburg

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Being Thankful for the Narcissist in Your Life?

I realize this might be difficult to read for someone caught in the middle of a web of lies, deceit and betrayal, three things female malignant narcissists specialize in. This is a very painful time, when the damage caused by a single person can seem otherworldly.

However, as  you look back upon this terrible time, you'll begin to see blessings. These you can thank the narcissist for. For instance, her actions may make it impossible for you to stay in your current work situation. What often happens is that you land someplace better, without the toxic office environment she created. Unless someone from upper management steps in to correct the problem, which almost never happens, you can rest assured this female bully is continuing on her wicked ways, and, in all likelihood, now targeting someone else.

Or, maybe you had a group of friends and the narcissist decided to divide and conquer. She managed to turn people against you, with her vicious lies. However, these people were never your friends to begin with. What happened is that they showed their true character, as weak, flying monkeys. To these people, you need to say goodbye and good riddance.

Eventually, you will be happy again. Actually, you'll be much happier than before, when you didn't know as much about malignant narcissists and how they operate. Armed with this knowledge, you will never again stand for being mistreated. You'll no longer overlook someone's serious character issues with the excuse of, "That's just how she is."

Undoubtedly, the most painful part of a narcissistic smear campaign is all the damage that results. You watch people you once considered your friends fall, one by one, under the wiles and charm of the narcissist.

As recover from this experience, you will realize that the narcissist was a blessing in disguise, because you won't be wasting your time with people who really don't care about you and won't lift a finger to help, because their self preservation is much more important. They are willing to watch you suffer, and won't take even the slightest person risk to alleviate your misery.

So, we can be very thankful to the narcissist for exposing these folks. Now, we can make room for people with a lot more integrity.

Pixabay image top by GingerQuip

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Wishing You've Never Met a Narcissist

After you discover that someone you considered a "friend" has a serious moral disorder, you begin to put the pieces together. No doubt she has caused a lot of damage. She has destroyed various relationships with other people. Perhaps she has driven you out of a social group. Or, maybe she has destroyed your reputation at work, and caused you to lose your job. In any event, it feels as if someone has repeatedly kicked you in the gut.

It's times like these, when we look back on what has happened, that we wish we had never met this person at all. Or, at least we wish we had realized much sooner this person's potential for deception and treachery.

However, as tempting as this type of thought pattern is, it's not a healthy one. (I'll admit I once spent way too much time dwelling on the "what ifs.") The reason we need to step away from this mindset is because it's not productive. We can never go back in time and change what has already happened. All we can do is move toward acceptance, and, eventually forgiveness. The popular saying, "It is what it is," definitely applies here.

If you've recently suffered from narcissistic abuse, at the hands of another female, and you've just realized this, you have a right to be angry and upset. Few things are more difficult to get past, than betrayal by a "friend," someone whom you assumed was pulling for you, and not working against you.

However, in time, believe it or not, you will also see the blessings that have come about as a result of this experience. You won't see them right away, especially while your wounds are fresh. But you'll see them later, when you'll look back on what has happened.

Tomorrow, which is Thanksgiving Day in the United States, I'm going to write about why I'm now thankful to the woman, to the fake friend, who once turned my life upside down. (You can read about my experience in earlier posts.)

In the end, the abusers and deceivers always turn out to be the losers. (I'll also discuss this more in a future post.)

Pixabay image top by kropekk_pl

Monday, November 24, 2014

A Narcissist's Words Versus Her Actions

If you want to learn what someone's truly made of, watch what they do, and ignore what they say. Looking at someone's actions gives you a much better read than listening to their words. With nearly every malignant narcissist I've met, there's a serious disconnect between what they profess and what they really intend to do.

Since this blog is about female malignant narcissists, there is one way in which a morally disordered person often gives herself away. Watch for how she treats her loved ones, and disregard how she claims to treat them. For instance, she may talk as if she's mother of the year. (Female narcissists with children will try hard to convince you of that.) However, curiously, they don't like to spend time with their offspring. This day-to-day maintenance work seems to be beneath them. So they're always looking for someone else to do this job. Unfortunately, the children of a narcissistic Mom suffer terribly, because she has, for all intents and purposes, checked out of their lives.

Oftentimes, it's the husbands who do all the heavy lifting when it comes to childcare, while Mom is off doing her own thing. This could be work related or it could involve shopping and going to the gym. It could even mean doing volunteer work, or spending a lot of time at church. What a narcissistic mother is looking for is the constant feeding of her ego, often referred to as "narcissistic supply." She is always on the lookout for new sources of supply, and this is more important to her than taking care of her family.

Let's say the narcissist doesn't have any young children at home. Does she claim to be a nice person? All malignant narcissists are overly concerned with how others view them, so they all pretend to be nice. However, do her actions align with her words? Does she gossip about others? Does she purposely exclude others from various events she's organized? If so, she's not very nice. Nice people don't behave this way. These are also warning signs that you may be dealing with a morally disordered person.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Be Nice, But Not Stupid

Kindness is a virtue. But one lesson I've learned is that, if you're not careful, a morally disordered person will always take advantage of someone's good nature. With female malignant narcissists, this typically involves using relational aggression to harm a "friend." (Malignant personalities never have true friends, just people they use for one reason or another.)

For instance, you want to be sure that the people you let into your life are trustworthy. If not, they could infiltrate your other relationships. It's almost a given that if you introduce a morally disordered female narcissist to your friends, or to your family members, she will seize upon these people like a hungry predator. When she turns on you, which inevitably will happen, she'll cause a lot of collateral damage, as she works relentlessly to turn others against you.

Malignant narcissists are very conniving and convincing. Never underestimate their ability to cause trouble.

Although we want to be nice, kind and welcoming to all, in this day and age, we have to be cautious. We cannot just blindly trust a new acquaintance with our sensitive information. If someone is highly malicious, we can't trust them with any information, because these little tidbits will be twisted and embellished upon. I've never known a female malignant narcissist to not use relational aggression as a means to exert power and control.

So, learn all you can about malignant narcissism, in order to protect yourself from these predators. Don't make the mistake of being too open and carefree with introductions. Under no circumstances should you bring a new female into your circle of work associates, since this could be inviting disaster.

Pixabay photo top by bykst

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Once You've Known One Malignant Narcissist, You've Known Them All

Malignant narcissists are full of surprises, but only for those who've never encountered one of these characters. Those of us who've become entangled with one of these deceivers have come to learn that their deviant behavior is pretty predictable.

For instance, there are common threads that run through just about every encounter with a morally disordered person. Here are a just few examples of how a narcopath operates.

  • Your Relationship Follows a Pattern: In the beginning, a narcopath plays the role of soul mate. Meanwhile, she is taking note of your strengths and weaknesses. The latter she will later use to discredit you. It seems as if you've found the perfect friend. Sooner or later, the "friendship" cools and she's a little less available. This stages precedes the discard phase, when she dumps you after smearing your reputation and doing her best to turn others against you.
  • Idealization: Narcissists typically start out flattering you. So, watch out for anyone who comes on too strong with compliments and praise. You could be dealing with an untrustworthy person.
  • Inappropriate Anger: A malignant narcissist smolders with anger just below her smiling surface. You may catch glimpses of this early on, followed by rage and verbally abusive outbursts later. You'll likely see this side if you challenge her on anything, especially once the relationship has progressed to the "discard phase."
  • Compulsive Lying: I've yet to meet a malignant narcissist who was honest. Sometimes, they will lie just for the heck of it.
  • Charisma: Even nerdy "covert narcissists" have a certain charm that draws others to them. These master manipulators know just which buttons to push.
  • Disregard for their Family: Every female narcissist that I've known, who has children, bows out of their life, either physically or emotionally. Although she might talk a good game, her actions don't match her words.
  • Words and Actions: There is a disconnect between a narcissist's words and her actions. Disregard what she's saying, and take a look at what she's doing.
  • Social Aggression: Every female narcissist I've met is either a Queen Bee or a Queen Bee wannabee. She wants to dominate every social circle she belongs to. In order to do so, she will elbow others out of the way, in a most undignified manner.
  • Bullying Others: Female narcissists bully others by social aggression. This involves trying to ruin a target's other relationships, in order to isolate and punish her.

So, in a sense, if you've met one malignant narcissist, you've met them all. And, once you've identified one of these fakers, there's no use hanging around. Cut her loose and watch the peace and tranquility return to your life.

Pixabay image top by OpenClips

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

For Some Sociopaths, Being Nerdy is Their Cover

We tend to think of malignant narcissists as popular, gregarious people who know how to work a crowd. Oftentimes, this is true. However, we should also be aware of another type of predator, one whom is just as dangerous, if not more so.

Sometimes, a covert narcissist will come across as a nerd. I have personally met a few of these, one of whom has caused a great deal of trouble in my life, because she was the last person I ever would have suspected of having such a dark side.

Posing as humble and unassuming, a covert narcissist may dress quite frumpy. In high school she was likely one of the least sought out girls, and probably had few friends. Now, though, in adulthood, she wants to dominate the social scene. So she ruthlessly targets other women who seem to have a lot of connections. If you meet one of these women in a social setting, such as when a group of young mothers get together, she will slowly begin organizing all the events, pushing out anyone whom she views as a threat. Adult female bullies use what's known as social aggression to isolate their targets. This is a very cruel type of bullying.

If you go to church, chances are very good that you'll run into a female covert narcissist. These ladies are drawn to religious organizations, because this is where they can find acceptance, and also where they can easily manipulate others, since no one expects to find such a treacherous soul at church, especially one who initially seems so nice.

Covert narcissists are also found in the workplace. If you make the mistake of trusting one of them, they will carefully file this information away. Then, they will use it to ruin your reputation.

In my own humble opinion, coverts are the worst kinds of emotional predators, precisely because they appear so unassuming, so they easily gain our trust.

Just be aware that someone who looks and acts like a wallflower may have a much darker side. She may be highly competitive, despite the meek facade. These covert narcissists are very difficult to smoke out, even for trained professionals. So be careful. Don't spill your guts to anyone you don't know well. And, as usual, if someone is a new acquaintance, don't automatically assume she's trustworthy just because she seems to be. These covert narcissists are the proverbial wolves in sheep's clothing.

Pixabay image top by Nemo