Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Walking Away from "Friends"

Someone asked me today what to do if you belong to a group of "friends," and are targeted by a female bully.

In most cases, you won't find the support you need within the group. This dynamic is happening because the instigator senses a weakness. If your group included people of integrity, whom wouldn't allow someone else to be abused, none of this would be happening. But because she knows this isn't the case, and you won't be defended, she launches her assaults. (Narcs are excellent people readers.)

That's why, if you find yourself involved in such nonsense, the best choice is to simply walk away. What I'm describing is a toxic situation that's only going to deteriorate.

Even though you'll probably miss your "friends," initially, I'll trot out a cliche that holds true. "Time heals all pain."

Eventually, you'll feel a sense of relief, because the narcissist is finally out of your life. So are all those enablers who gave her "permission" to mistreat you. They were overly concerned with their own interests, so they didn't do the right thing.

In the long run, though, you're not going to miss the drama. In time, you'll meet new people who don't suffer from character disorders. So, feel free to depart from anything that resembles what's described above. You won't regret it.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Narcissism and Hostility

Experience is the best teacher and hindsight affords a wonderful perspective. After being burned by a female malignant narcissist, I've decided I want no more of them around. The trouble is, though, they can be difficult to spot.

Covert narcissists initially come across as meek and mild. It makes you think of the cliche, "She was the nicest person you'd ever want to meet." They seem too good to be true, because they are. Inside, they are smoldering with resentment. If they perceive you have an advantage, they'll launch a full-scale attack to strip you of whatever it is, because they want it for themselves.

Although a female narcopath may pretend she's your friend, in reality she's plotting your destruction. (So the sooner you get rid of her, the better.) But, most of the time, you don't realize what she's up to until she's caused a lot of damage, which takes a long time to undo. Oftentimes, it can never be totally fixed.

Years ago, one thing I didn't pick up on, with the narc in my life, was the thinly veiled hostility. She didn't really like me, and sometimes this would bubble to the surface. I also believe I recently sidestepped another malignant narcissist, whom I also met at church. (Covert narcissists love churches and volunteer organizations.)

This time, though, I didn't get too involved, both because I didn't want to pursue the friendship, and also because I think I frightened her. (Narcs seem to know when you sense that something's up.)

One of my clues, once again, was the same subtle hostility. Without my prior run in, I may not have noticed, or realized that this woman probably didn't really like me. Consequently, I would have probably brushed it off, and not paid too much attention to her negative undertones. (At the same time, she was telling me how happy she was to have met me.)

By contrast, I've since met some wonderful people whom I can tell are genuinely happy to see me, and to spend time with me. I feel the same way about them. These relationships are fun, and without the constant tension you feel when you're with someone with a potential personality disorder.

Original Pixabay image by Hans

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Narcissist Abuse - Don't Take it Personally

Educating yourself about malignant narcissism is liberating. Finally, you realize that all the wacky behavior is not something to take personally.

Of course, I wish I learned these lessons much earlier in life. But better late than never.

Being raised in a very traditional family (my grandparents were, for all intents and purposes my parents), I was taught to be kind and courteous to everyone, even some of our relatives whom clearly behaved badly. Unfortunately, I learned to view these actions as normal. However, I don't blame my dearly departed grandparents. Not a bit. They did they best they could, considering the circumstances.

When they were growing up, this approach might have worked. However, it doesn't anymore. Our society is now gripped with an epidemic of narcissism. One researcher, Dr. Jean Twenge, PhD., is widely publicized for her believe that this type of character disorder is on the rise because we've raised a generation (or two) of children to believe they are super special.

Anyway, my upbringing didn't prepare me for the malicious people I'd later encounter. But experience is a great teacher.

One good outcome of bouncing back from being hammered by a malignant personality is that you view the world in a differently now.

You get much better at spotting disorderly reactions. Now, if someone runs hot and cold, and you know you haven't done anything to offend them, you don't take it to heart. Healthy people do not have these types of mood swings. You realize it's their issue and you're not responsible. You don't try to placate them. You let them walk away, because you don't want such mercurial people in your life anyway. 

Pixabay image by markusspiske

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Blog Taking a New Direction

Up until now, I've focused on the signs and symptoms of malignant narcissism. I've wanted this to be a place to discuss females who betray and hurt other women, either because they are envious or they just enjoy the "thrill" of making someone's life miserable.

Today, though, this blog is taking a new direction. I want it to become a resource for recovery, as well as education.

So, in addition to regular blog posts, which will continue, I'm adding several pages with tips on forgiveness and natural healing. I'll also share specific information, gained from personal experience, on freeing yourself from the narcissist's grip.

The last thing I want is for this site to be one of discouragement. So, in addition to the usual theme of female narcissism, I'm adding several new pages, which you can see on top of the screen. These are still under construction, so keep checking back.

Malignant Narcissism Explained

If more people knew female malignant narcissists existed, they'd know what to watch for. Right now, these problematic individuals get away with so much because nearly everyone assumes that all women are nurturing.

Those of us who've met a female narcissist know this isn't true. A woman with this disorder can be every bit as destructive as a male psychopath, if not much more so. Actually, I believe a malicious women is extremely dangerous, because, from an early age, girls learn to relate to people on an emotional level. This "advantage" can then be used to inflict extreme pain on other women, as well as any unfortunate men who happen to get involved with her.

Malignant Narcissist Exposed

Typically, a female narcissist will "befriend" someone, until she treacherously turns on them. Unfortunately, by this point, she knows their weak spots and she's manage to destroy some of their other relationships.

By the time you realize what's been going on, you also wake up to the fact that you've been betrayed, on a level that cuts to the core. Bouncing back from this experience is a painful process. That's because you start in a very lonely spot. Female narcissists are very good at getting others to turn against you. Typically, this is done by spreading nasty rumors.

So, in addition to the abuse itself, you watch as your other "friends" side with the perpetrator.

Oftentimes, the abuse occurs at work. Consequently, due to false accusations, targets usually leave the company, either on their own, or because they were fired.

I'm hoping these new pages can help you during this very trying and challenging time in your life.

Original Pixabay photo by geralt

Monday, March 23, 2015

Who is a Flying Monkey?

A flying monkey works for the narcissist, either directly or indirectly. A malicious person will usually have a team of foot soldiers to do her bidding. They may gather information or actually deliver a few emotional blows themselves. Sometimes they are just as committed, if not more so, to the destruction of a target as is the chief instigator.

Flying monkeys are also fueled by pride, envy, ego, ambition and a variety of other vices. They are deeply driven by an unhealthy desire to fit in and belong to the group. It all sounds like a throwback to junior high, which is exactly what it is.

The term "flying narcissist" is one that's borrowed from The Wizard of Oz, and now commonly used to describe those weak-willed individuals that carry out a bully's marching orders, as did the evil simians who harassed Dorothy and the other good characters, at the behest of the Wicked Witch of the West. We see such behaviors in real life when a female narcissist is committed to destroying a rival.

But who are the flying monkeys? Are they only the people who decide to take an active role in making someone else's life miserable? I think the definition also applies to the "neutral" bystanders, who do nothing to relieve someone else's suffering, because their own self-interest is more important than defending an innocent person.

Of course, today, in the adult world, much of these dynamics happen in the workplace. Currently, in America, about 33 percent of employees say they've been bullied on the job. It would be very hard for a single person, in a workplace, to stand up to this nonsense. But if a group of people decided to resist, the bully would have no power.

Those who read this blog on a regular basis know that I hold the flying monkeys totally responsible. Without them, a predator is powerless.

Original Pixabay image top by Nemo

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friends Who are Always Too Busy

Nowadays, everyone is busy. I'm busier than I've ever been. But I still try to make time for the important people in my life.

Do you have a friend who never has the time to speak with you, let alone get together for a cup of tea, even a quick one? If that's the case, don't spend too much time mourning this shallow relationship. The fact of the matter is that people change, and relationships evolve. The nature of many friendships is oftentimes to move in different directions. This is normal, even though it may be painful.

But what about a close friend who, now, never has time for you? There could be very valid reasons, such as when someone is starting a new job, has a new baby or is caring for an elderly parent.

However, it could also be a sign that you've grown apart. Everyone has exactly 168 hours in the week, every week. We spend it how we choose to. If someone cannot carve a few minutes from their hectic schedule, it may mean that you're not much of a priority. We all tend to make time for the things that are most important to us.

Although this person may not be of malicious intent (this blog focuses primarily on female malignant narcissists), it is a likely symptom that the relationship is not all that strong.

Facing up to this is difficult. But it's also liberating. That's because the situation isn't healthy, at least right now. You can easily live without the mixed signals sent off by someone who isn't worthy of your loyalty.

Instead, of thinking of this person as a close friend, you can view her more in line with reality. She's now just an acquaintance.

Original Pixabay image by PublicDomainPictures

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Female Narcissist Game Playing

The level of sophistication is astounding. Only those who've seen a female malignant narcissist in action can fully appreciate what she's capable of. When she zeros in on a rival, she'll stop at nothing to get what she wants. Most of the time, she's going for total destruction.

What enables her to maneuver so deftly, and cut so deeply, is that she does this without most people catching on. Her angelic mask is all that most people see. But her unfortunate targets sees her true self.

She's able to manipulate everyone in the immediate environment, with a variety of subtle and not-so-subtle games. Here's how she does it.
  • Hinting - She knows her target well. She's chosen a kind, friendly individual to pick on. So when the narcissist starts to "hint" that she needs something done, the target is happy to help. The only problem, though, is that this is a set up. Meanwhile, she's alerted everyone else that you'll probably be doing just what she says you will. (This is because she was "hinting," and pushing you in that direction.) However, instead of telling people that you're doing this because she asked you to, in a manner of speaking, she'll ascribe false and sinister motive. Then, when you carry out her wishes, people will assume you're doing something bad.
  • Favoritism. This is one of a female narcissist's preferred techniques, and it's done to break up a target's friendships. If the narc notices her rival has a close friend, she'll move right in. Unless the other person is narc-savvy, and true blue, she'll take the bait. When this happens, the target is marginalized. But her friend receives a lot of compliments and flattery. Most people are delighted to realize that they've made such a stellar impression. Soon, your "friend" is spending more time with the narc than she is with you.
  • Relational Aggression. Favoritism is a form of social aggression, in which a malignant personality seeks to isolate her victim. This is a form of bullying, and a very cruel one at that. Typically, in a group setting, a narc will organize social events, systematically excluding her target.
  • Directed Conversation. These are statements muttered just within earshot of the target, designed to be highly upsetting.
  • Gaslighting. This is when the narc pretends that something is true, when it really isn't. Such behavior is meant to erode the target's self confidence.
Of course, these are just a few of the things that narcissists do to demean and humiliate their targets. Undoubtedly, there are many others, which I'm probably not even aware of.

Original Pixabay image by guglielmo