Friday, January 9, 2015

Being "Discarded" by a Malignant Narcissist is a Blessing

Even though you may not realize it at the time, being dumped by a malignant narcissist is a blessing. You may feel hurt and you may miss this duplicitous female "friend." But you certainly don't need her in your life.

Moving forward, you won't miss the drama. Yes, there were good times, such as when the two of you first met, and she showered you with praise, compliments and encouragement. You felt like she was your best friend in the world, who would always be there at your side, through thick and thin. Malignant personalities are typically a lot of fun, until you catch a glimpse of what's behind the mask.

When you were happy, this fake friend genuinely seemed happy for you. However, she really wasn't, because malicious people are only satisfied when they see others struggling. If someone is successful, this elicits strong feelings of envy.

In fact, having something good happen to you is often enough to set a chain of events in motion, in which a narcissist secretly plots your destruction. During this time, she lays a series of humiliating traps. However, she still appears to be your strongest ally, at least to your face.

Behind your back, she's working diligently to erode your network of support. So you may lose other "friends" in the process. (This ugly game typically ends in job loss, for the target, if it plays out at work.)

Chances are, when a female narcissist moves out of your life, you're pretty devastated, both by betrayal of someone you considered to be a friend, and by the disloyal actions of those she's managed to convince that you're responsible for all the trouble.

This is why it's time to rejoice, and not mourn, the death of such a relationship. That's because the entire "friendship was based on lies.

Pixabay photo top by OpenClips

Thursday, January 8, 2015

A Malignant Narcissist Will Contact Other People in Your Life

There are very few things in life you can count on, but here is one. If you're involved with a malicious female narcissist, she will seize upon every opportunity to connect with the other people in your life. This is something you'll notice early in the relationship. It can also serve as a heads up. If you see this, be alert for any other signs of odd behavior.

 Normal, healthy people do not go out of their way to form instant and immediate friendships with people they've just met. Nor do they typically ask for the names, addresses and other means of contacting people they hardly know, unless there is a compelling reason to do so. At the very least, it shows that they probably lack common sense, and they do not respect people's boundaries.

Once the contact is made, a malignant personality will then go out of her way to foster this new "friendship." She may even start inviting them places on her own, without asking you. If you let her, she will infiltrate your life, and start her own relationship with everyone you know.

Eventually, she'll turn on you. Your friends and acquaintances will then hear a lot of lies. People you can count on will let her know this is unacceptable. The smart people will then distance themselves from this troublemaker. Others will swallow her lies, and gravitate toward her corner.

Her plan to split people, and isolate you from those you love, will start small. Then, as she is ready to "discard" you, it will intensify.

Narcissistic individuals have always behaved this way. You can always depend upon a narcissist to do a lot of negative "outreach." But the advent of social media has made it easier.

Experience has taught me that it's a good idea to not immediately introduce a new acquaintance to your family and friends. If this person has a malignant side, you may never really get rid of her, unless you cut off all contact with people you love, which is not something I recommend.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Malignant Narcissists and Group Think

Narcissistic abuse that takes place in a social setting, or at work, relies on the phenomenon of "group think." This is a widely studied psychological dynamic in which people are willing to ignore their own consciences, and follow the lead of one or more highly charismatic leaders.

Unfortunately, most people are weak. They do not have the integrity to assist someone who is clearly suffering. Or, they successfully convince themselves the target has done something to deserve what's happening, so, therefore, they don't have to do anything about it.

Under the influence of a toxic personality, deviating from a decision, or a consensus, can result in social sanctions, such as banishment from the group. Since the desire for self preservation is so strong, it overrides the desire to do the right thing.

Typically, in a dysfunctional group, the leader, or leaders, choose a common enemy. The purpose of the group then begins to revolve around punishing this perceived foe. The members in good standing are "rewarded" with a feeling of power and cohesiveness. Blinded by the powerful force of group think, they may assist the leader in destroying the target. Their consciences are assuaged by the false belief that they are acting in a just, or righteous, manner.

Group think can occur on a large stage. We see this with wars and with genocide. It can also happen in a smaller arena, such as in a workplace. This explains how one or more people are able to coordinate what then becomes another case of workplace mobbing.

By all accounts, workplace mobbing seems to be on the rise. We are living in very immoral times. People not guided by a well-formed conscience are especially vulnerable to becoming a member of a pack of workplace bullies.

Typically, the mob action starts because one chief bully acts as the instigator. Women are especially vulnerable. At least 40 percent of the time, the perpetrator in a workplace bullying incident is a woman, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute. Most of the time, she targets another female.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Why We Become Narc Magnets

Most of my life, I've been a magnet for narcissists. I now realize that it's probably always going to be this way. But there's good news too. The questionable folks I've attracted, following my eye-opening experience with a malignant female "friend," quickly realize I'm not as naive as, perhaps, I appear to be.

Why some of us draw these types into our lives remains a mystery. In my case, I'm pretty sure it has to do with my upbringing. Raised primarily by old-fashioned grandparents, I was trained to be polite in all circumstances. I don't think this is a bad thing, under normal conditions. But we did have some relatives, whom I now realize had serious personality issues. When they were at my grandparents' house, as they often were, I was expected to treat them with deference and respect.

In fact, two of them, were treated like royalty. From a young age, I was trained to view this couple, my aunt and uncle, as normal. Also, I was expected to cater to them, despite the fact they considered me a nuisance. Later, it came out that they greatly resented the fact my grandparents taken on a parenting role. In addition, it became greatly apparent how much they both hated my mother.

I still believe my grandparents did their best. Because they didn't really know what they were dealing with (two narcissists, and one very malignant one) they couldn't really protect me, or anyone else, from these very strange dynamics.

It's as if this narcissism epidemic has blindsided all of us, and it appeared to catch my grandparents off guard. Being from another generation, above all, they wanted to maintain peace in the family. In no way do I blame them for what happened.

However, I do believe these family dynamics set me up for my later encounter with a female "friend." I'll probably always be a narc magnet, but I think I'm giving off much different signals about what I will tolerate, now that I know that haughty, arrogant and entitled behavior is not normal or acceptable.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Monday, January 5, 2015

Narcissists Hate it When You Succeed

One way to smoke out fake friends is when you happen to succeed at something. This could be a promotion at work, a new boyfriend, an engagement ring or even something as simple as receiving a compliment. Believe it or not, a few kind words may be all it takes to become a target of a malignant narcissist.

These morally disordered people are filled with envy, rage and hatred. They are so competitive that they resent every bit of attention given to someone else. Despite the fact malicious people often pose as friends, they literally die inside when it appears as if you have an advantage. Because narcissists have an inflated sense of entitlement, they believe they deserve whatever attention or accolades you are given.

Sometimes, you don't even need to receive a visible or tangible notice or mention. A narcissist also gets upset just over the fact that you're happy, and she's not. This is something she wants to take away from you as well. Or, you may be just a nice person who happens to get along with people. This is enough to drive her to spread vicious lies, so they'll turn against you.

Women who are physically attractive, or look younger than their years, seem to have an especially difficult time with female narcissists. This is especially true among women who hit midlife, as differences in how we age become more apparent.

Someone with malignant narcissism doesn't just "suffer" silently, when her eyes turn green. Instead, she plans and schemes to acquire whatever it is you possess. If this dynamic occurs in the workplace, you'll become one more workplace bullying victim.

How to spot an enemy posing as a friend, otherwise known as a "frenemy?" Although these toxic phonies try hard to cover up their true motives, they often give themselves away with snide comments and subtle put downs. Don't ignore it when a "friend" does this. Above all, when you notice this, don't make the mistake of confiding in her.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Being Alone is Better than Being with a Narcissist

Here's the choice. Spending time alone versus being in the company of someone who wants to bring you down, and is working relentlessly to make you fall. If you look at it this way, it should be an easy decision. It's always a losing proposition to remain involved with someone who wants to harm you.

Malignant narcissists are dangerous, and all the more so when the pretend to be your friends. Having this window into your life allows them to learn your weak points. Then they know just where to hit you.

There is absolutely no benefit to remaining "friends" with a malicious female. Although it may be difficult to part company with someone you've known for a long time, it's really the only logical choice, once you discover this person doesn't have your best interests at heart. Not all people do.

Some so-called "friends" only stick around to see what they can take from you. Others may even like what you have so much, they want to have it themselves. This is when a malignant personality, driven by envy, will try to destroy you, so she can claim your possessions. These aren't necessary material things. Intangibles such as a good reputation or a wide circle of friends may be something a narcissist would like to acquire, after she pushes you out of the way.

The New Year is the perfect time to rid yourself of these "frenemies," or these wolves in sheep's clothing, who just pretend to be your friends. Let them go. You don't need them and you'll be much happier without them.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Friday, January 2, 2015

Malicious People are Overly Curious

I've yet to meet a malicious person who's not overly curious. People with strong narcissist traits are forever comparing themselves to others. They're much more concerned with what's going on in someone else's life than what's happening in their own. Oftentimes, they don't have enough to do, and they're bored, so their idle minds turn to intrigue.

As envious and entitled people, they are disturbed if they detect someone else has a perceived advantage. This is when things can turn ugly. In an attempt to "elevate" themselves, they will try to bring down a rival.

A female narcissist will achieve this "goal" through social aggression. Her victims do not see this coming until she's ruined their other relationships. Once enough people turn on her target, she suddenly withdraws her "friendship." Up until then, she pretends to be your friend. Perhaps she even consoles you when complain that, suddenly, people are avoiding you. This is an example of just how devious a female narcissist can be.

Obviously, we want to avoid female narcissists. We certainly don't want them as our "friends," and we don't want them in a position where they can harm us.

That's why it's helpful to identify covert narcissists, before introducing them to anyone else. Unfortunately, these predators don't give many clues, especially as you're first getting to know them. However, excess and unhealthy curiosity is something to pay attention to.

How can you tell if someone is overly curious? Gossiping about others is a very bad sign. Also, malicious people will probe you about various aspects of your life. Look for pointed questions, followed by a prolonged stare. Those of us who've encountered malignant personalities are familiar with this "predatory gaze." Researchers who study personality disorders have discovered that people with anti-social personality disorders are, indeed, able to maintain eye contact longer than the rest of us.

Pixabay image top by Nemo