Monday, October 20, 2014

When a Narcissist is Angry with You

A malignant narcissist may hate you and she may be seething with rage. But, oftentimes, you don't know this until after the fact. That's because people with moral disorders wear masks, and it's not until the mask slips that you discover the hideous reality underneath.

When you first meet a narc, all you see is her smiling face. Even though the relationship seems to go well in the beginning, before long something will happen to set this dangerous predator off. (People with malignant personalities cannot maintain relationships, and will burn through a series of them.) However, you still may not realize you've done anything "wrong," and that this person who pretends to be your friend is upset with you and intensely envious. It's during this phase of the "friendship" that she begins a smear campaign, and the social aggression kicks in.

If you've made the mistake of introducing her to your other friends, she'll try to form a close relationship with your best friend, in order to isolate you. During this time, though, you only have a vague, unsettling feeling that things aren't right. You begin to feel a little uneasy but you don't know why. That's because a malignant narcissist is planning your exit, from a social circle, a church or a workplace. But she won't launch a full-on attack until she's sure the time is right.

When she decides to go full throttle, she has already inflicted a great deal of damage. She's likely told a lot of people a lot of lies, in order to undermine your support base. She'll wait until you've lost support before she strikes. Only then will you see her true colors. This is when she discards you, and she no longer hides her anger and scorn. Of course, no one else will witness her cruelty. Malignant narcissists are extremely concerned with what other people think, so this female terror keeps her mask attached to her face when anyone else is watching.

Pixabay photo top by Nuzree

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Narcissists Target Loyal People

Because malignant narcissists are so good at discovering our strengths and weaknesses, they can sense when someone will stick with them, through thick and thin. This is why they love to target loyal people, because they know they've found someone who will go out of their way for them. This very useful person (narcs view people as objects) will fit their needs perfectly, until they tire of this person, or find someone else willing to do even more for them.

Then, the first loyal friend will be discarded, often in a very callous manner. It's impossible to please a narcissist for very long. Inevitably, you'll fall short of her impossible standards, and she'll become angry with you. However, you may not realize this right away, because she'll hide it for awhile. Meanwhile, you've fallen out of favor, but you're not aware that things have changed so dramatically. She isn't ready to show her true colors because you still serve a purpose.

However, in her mind, when your shelf life has expired, she's ready to discard you. This is usually done with great fanfare. In the process, she will attempt to ruin your other relationships and try to turn people against you. Unless you have very loyal friends, she usually succeeds. Narcissists are very charming, until you get to know them better, and people like to be in their company.

The best way to protect yourselves against malignant narcissists and other dangerous people is to learn the signs of disordered behavior. There are no guarantees you'll never be taken in again, but at least you can proceed more cautiously if you notice any warning signs.

Pixabay photo top by cherylholt

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Be Careful Whom You Help - A Narcissist Will Always Take Advantage of You

Malignant narcissists will gladly accept your help, even as they're plotting to destroy you. In my experience, a morally disordered person will never turn down an offer of assistance, because she's a taker, not a giver. Those of us who've lived through a betrayal by a female friend or coworker can probably look back upon all the times we've extended ourselves to help this person, only to be repaid with evil and deceit.

I'm starting to think some of the more severely disordered narcissists derive pleasure from watching us do something kind for them, or a series of kind acts, before they go for the kill. This is very similar to the thrill they get from being sneaky and deceptive, and getting away with it.

Getting taken advantage of is a terrible experience. However, we still need to help people, because that's what makes us human. Yet we need to do so in a way in which we're not exploited.

This is where limits and boundaries enter into play. Setting better boundaries is something I had to learn how to do, and I'm still working on it.

It's also where discernment comes in. Learning to spot the signs of narcissism, covert and overt, can help us determine just how much help to offer any one person, and how emotionally involved we want to become.

One way to do this is to look for inconsistencies in someone's story. I've yet to meet a malignant narcissist who was not an habitual, pathological liar.

Pixabay photo top by babawawa

Monday, October 13, 2014

What is Veiled Hostility?

Some people pretend to be your friend, but, deep down inside, they really can't stand you. Chances are, they are very envious of something you have, and they want it for themselves.

A malignant narcissist will assume whatever you have is hers for the taking, and she'll infiltrate your life in an attempt to take this away from you. Those of us who don't have this personality disorder have a difficult time understanding who someone can expend so much energy scheming and manipulating, just to gain some sort of "advantage." It does seem crazy, but morally disordered people, while not clinically insane, are, nonetheless, very disturbed.

Those of us who've been betrayed by a female narcissist posing as a soul mate are shocked when we realize the depths to which someone has sunk, in an effort to destroy our lives. We didn't see it coming. However, looking back on the events, there are a few clues that something was amiss. This is good to file away, because we can use it the future to protect ourselves against another emotional predator.

One thing to watch for is veiled hostility. When someone doesn't like us, or is holding a grudge against us, this may become evident in slightly cutting remarks, or even overt insults. True friends do not behave this way, because they want to protect your feelings. They don't want to hurt you. It's the fake friends who like to take these potshots.

Also, be on guard if a particular "friend" is not even tempered. True friends are happy to spend time with you. Fake friends consider it a chore.

Pixabay image top by Steph685

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Malignant Narcissists - They Want to Take Your Place

Ego, ambition and competition characterize much of the interactions we see today. These are the hallmarks of malignant narcissism, which seems to have infected our world.

Our culture and society are so broken that wickedness seems to have gained the upper hand. Yes, there are still a lot of good people in the world, but we appear to be seeing much more evil than before. One symptom of this disorder is the fact that parents used to be able to let young children roam freely. Today, no sane person would send a small child out to play in the morning, and remind them to be home for lunch. Children now need constant supervision.

This downward moral shift that's been happening slowly since the 1960's appears to have gained steam. We are now seeing great disorder everywhere, on a global scale and closer to home, in our personal relationships.

Today, if any one person has any advantage, a malignant narcissist wants to take it away, and she'll do all she can to achieve her goal. It seems as if every workplace or social group has at least one person with a character flaw severe enough that drives her to viciously attack a rival. She does this out of insane envy. This horrifying behavior has even been found in nursing homes. Residents with a place to go for a holiday are sometimes shunned when they return to their facility, by those who spent Thanksgiving or Christmas by themselves.

Much of the time, malignant narcissists attack solely because they want what you have. If it's a position of influence, they want to take your place. If you are well-regarded within a particular social setting, they want to push you aside. If you receive a promotion at work, watch out. The green-eyed monster is out in force.

Pixabay image top by Gellinger

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Malignant Narcissists Use Others for Triangulation

Someone posted something on Pinterest today about malignant narcissists and triangulation. It struck a chord. I thank the person who pinned this particular pin, which explained so well about how these characters operate. Here's an example of typical narcopath behavior.

When a morally disordered female is in the process of discarding someone, which invariably happens, since it's impossible to please a narcissist indefinitely, she'll choose a new "friend." Oftentimes, this new person is a good friend of the woman she's discarding. Then, she'll shun her old friend and lavish her time and attention on the new relationship.

This is classic triangulation, in which a pathological personality tries to sow discord, and works like hell in an effort to get people to turn against her target. So she triangulates here, there and everywhere, always striking wherever she can do the most damage. She especially focuses on your closest friends and associates, in order to best isolate you.

Although it may seem as if she genuinely likes her new circle of "friends," in reality, she's only using them, in order to facilitate her need to triangulate. Practically everything a morally disordered person does is deceitful.

Healthy people build bridges and try to include others. A narcissist does the opposite. She wants to control everything and everyone, This she does by triangulation, which creates drama, dissension and confusion.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Monday, October 6, 2014

What Makes a Narcissist Happy?

Someone who recently visited this blog entered the search term, "What makes a narcissist happy?" I thought that was an excellent question, so I'll try my best to answer. Please understand that I don't have a degree in psychology, but I've had to learn (by necessity) a fair amount about this disorder. So, with my (unfortunately) extensive experience dealing with female malignant narcissists, here's my best guess.

Deep down, a malignant narcissist is never happy. Not content with themselves, or their own gifts, they are forever comparing themselves to others. This is what gets them in trouble. You will always find someone else who is smarter, prettier, richer and who has more friends than you. This is what drives a malignant personality crazy. Driven by an unhealthy need to always be the best in everything, they will attempt to undermine anyone they perceive has having an advantage over them. This leads to very shallow relationships and a lot of stress, as they are always trying to stay one step ahead of the competition, which, in their minds, is everyone else.

Since living this way is so anxiety provoking, they are miserable. Plus, trying to deceive people all the time takes its toll, although many narcopaths seem to enjoy the thrill of pulling one over on someone. Because a narcissist doesn't have honest relationships with people, she assumes others are always lying to her and always out to get her. (Because this blog is about female narcissists, I'm going to refer to these perpetrators as "she.)

However, even though someone with a character disorder is not really happy, I do believe they get momentary thrills when they are in the limelight. All narcissists crave attention. Even the covert narcissists, whom, at first glance, seem to want to fade into the wallpaper, are attention hounds. They just pretend they don't need as much adulation as the more overt type of narcissist. But this is just part of their facade, and they are just as egotistical as a narcissist with a more grandiose personality.

Another thing that brings a malignant narcissist "happiness," is when they can successfully bring one of their rivals down. Actually, if you become a target of one of these twisted sisters, make sure you understand she means business, and that she's fully intent on destroying as much of your life as she can. So, learn how to spot a potentially dangerous "friend" before you share your secrets.

Pixabay image above by Nemo

For a discussion of malignant narcissism from a spiritual perspective, please read my Church Bullies Blog. The reason you cannot share secrets with a malignant narcissist is because people with such a serious moral flaw can never be trusted.