Monday, July 28, 2014

Questioning Everything a Narcissist Tells You

Malignant narcissists lie a lot. That's because their whole life is essentially a lie, and they have little regard for the truth. Many morally disordered people, however, also like to lie for no particular reason, other than the fact they can pull one over on you. I guess this makes them feel superior, and much smarter than mere mortals who prefer to tell the truth.

Some of this might also be an attempt at "gas-lighting," which is a game these deceivers play. This involves lying about various events in an attempt to make the target doubt her own perceptions, and even her own sanity. It's a favorite tactic used by malignant personalities. The name "gas-lighting" is taken from a vintage film in which a mentally twisted husband tries to drive his wife insane by moving things in their house, while insisting nothing had changed.

While we're being conned by one of these charlatans, we don't realize the number of lies we're being told. That's because we tend to take people at face value. If they say something happened, we believe it did. If they say someone said something, we trust this account. (Since my encounter with a malignant narcissist, I discount just about everything that's attributed to someone else, no matter whom says it, unless I hear it with my own ears. Actually, it's not a good practice to put words into other people's mouths, because the possibility for distortion always exists.)

Once you realize that you've been dealing with a very sick individual, you do begin to question everything she's said. If you've ever had the misfortune to listen to a narcissist attempt to ruin someone else's good name, this information is the first you should disregard.

Pixabay photo top by Hans

Friday, July 25, 2014

How Narcissists Blend In

I've read accounts, written by sociopaths, that early in life they realize they are different. So they learn to mimic the appropriate emotional responses, in order to blend in with the rest of us. Early in a relationship, while a malignant narcissist is sizing you up, she'll be anything you want her to be. If you have a deep love for animals, so will she. If you tell her you are passionate about feeding your family organic food, she'll tell you she feels the same way, and that's what she put on her table each night as well. (However, you also notice she rarely cooks and that her husband and children seem to subsist on frozen pizza.)

If you care deeply about your children, expect to hear about all the time she spends with her family, in an attempt to portray herself as a devoted mother. (Strangely enough, though, her children are usually at your house because she's so busy running here, there and everywhere.)

Malignant narcissists are chameleons, because they change personas quickly. This is one reason why they usually prefer interacting one-on-one, as it's too difficult to undergo a rapid change of masks. That's because they need to wear a different one for each person they're speaking with.

This need to find a way to blend in has probably contributed to their seemingly superhuman ability to read other people and to ferret out "useful" bits of personal information, which serves them well when they decide to attack and destroy their former "friends."

These qualities are also what make malignant personalities so dangerous. Because they mirror our actions so well, we tend to trust them. Then, once they gain our confidence, we confide in them. Then, all of this information can and will be used against us. Narcissists are also very persuasive, so most people believe everything they say, even if it happens to be an outrageous lie.

pixabay photo top by Hans

To read about malignant narcissism from a spiritual perspective, please visit my Church Bullies blog.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Narcissist Knows Who Will Assist Them

When a narcissist attacks, her goal is total destruction. She wants to bring her target to her knees, and she wants to ruin her life. She attempts to break up her target's friendships. She also wants to ruin her target's reputation. If all of this unfolds in a social setting, the ultimate aim is to drive her target away, and to make her feel so unwelcome that she'll leave. Sometimes, these sick, sinister personalities even attempt to end someone's marriage.

The workplace is where much adult bullying takes place today. A workplace bully wants her unfortunate victim to end up in the unemployment line. When this happens, your career is at stake. In America, about 75 percent of the time, a target must seek work elsewhere, either because she's fired or because she decides to resign. Also, once someone is targeted, it's not unusual for the situation to disintegrate into mobbing.

Why do otherwise "nice" people participate in someone else's hate campaign against an innocent person? For one, they aren't so nice and they may have their own personality issues. Malignant narcissists and other disordered souls often cluster together. Adult bullies also know just what buttons to push, in order to convince others to play their twisted game. Ironically, even though these predators don't possess the full range of emotions, they are very good at knowing how the rest of us think. In a group of people, they are able to pick out those who will automatically support them. The rest they work on, until just about everyone else caves and offers no resistance when they see someone else being mistreated.

In other words, long before the battle plan becomes apparent to the target, a narcissist has already chosen her loyal foot soldiers.

Pixabay photo top by werner22brigitte

For a discussion of malignant narcissism from a spiritual perspective, please visit my Church Bullies blog.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Toxic Behavior is Not Your Fault

Despite a malignant narcissist's desperate attempts to make you believe that, somehow, it was something you did that set the relationship on a collision course, this is not the case. Disordered people are unable to maintain healthy friendships. It's this reason, and this reason alone, that the two of you are no longer "friends."

Of course, you might have rushed the inevitable a bit. Challenging a narcissist on her bad behavior, or merely questioning her actions, might be enough to make her cut you out of her life forever. When this happens, the narc goes into full discard mode, and will tarnish your good name all over creation. She'll also attempt to draw as many people as possible into the drama. Normal people do not behave this way.

Narcissists discard "friends" and acquaintances over very trivial matters or for no particular reason, other than they tire of your company. This typically happens after they've recruited you for a certain purpose, and, now they no longer need your help. One thing to remember about malignant personalities is that they view others almost as objects, to be used and then tossed away when they're finished. They are also adventure seekers, so they get bored with people very easily.

Realizing that this "friendship" was going to end, no matter what you did, is one of the first steps toward bouncing back from an encounter with a narcissist. This is the type of destructive force you don't need in your life. Some researchers believe malignant narcissism and sociopathy are indistinguishable. Goodbye and good riddance.

Pixabay image top by werner22brigitte

For a discussion of malignant narcissism from a spiritual perspective, please visit my Church Bullies blog.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Patience of a Narcissist

It might seem strange discussing the patience of a malignant narcissist. That's because people who suffer from this moral disorder have an impulsive nature. They take risks that most others wouldn't dream of taking. Because they have poor anger management, they fly off the handle over very trivial matters. When they want you to do something for them, they want it done right away. Their lack of prudence also, invariably, results in occasional tactical blunders.

But disordered personalities are exceedingly patient while plotting. In an effort to destroy a target, they'll wait a long time for the right opportunity. Because they're playing to win, they won't attack unless they're virtually guaranteed success. A female malignant narcissist works by subtly manipulating everyone in her vicinity. If she's bent on destroying someone, she knows her target must first be left with no support or defenses. So the narcissist systematically begins to sway people to her side. This takes time.

Winning people over is done incrementally. At first, some people may be cool to her overtures. But she persists, until they warm up. She may even set up specific situations to facilitate loyalty. Say, for instance, someone she wants to draw into her camp likes to ski. She finds out about this passion for hitting the slopes in August. Over the fall, she makes elaborate plans to host a late January ski party in the mountains. Everyone is invited, except her target, because that's the person she intends to exclude.

Under normal circumstances, the skier may not attend an event where a friend or a colleague is systematically left out. But not this time, because the narcissist zeroed in on the skier's wants and needs, and came up with an offer that was hard to refuse.

Arranging to totally marginalize someone else take time and effort. A malignant narcissist will take all the time in the world to bring her plan to fruition.

Morguefile photo top by clarita

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

A Malignant Narcissist is Like a Raging Bull

Once you let a malignant narcissist into your life, watch out. They are like raging bulls. In the beginning she appears to be very nice. This is when she's getting to know you, or, more accurately, sizing you up. She'll ask probing questions as she explores your personality, taking careful notes of your strengths and weaknesses. Later, as the relationship no longer serves her purpose, she'll strike you in those weak spots.

Much of the destruction caused by a narcissist is what's been referred to as  "collateral damage." This is when the other important people in your life begin to march in lockstep with the morally disordered person. This happens because a narcissist makes a point of getting to know your friends and relatives.

Because folks with this particular disorder tend to be suave and persuasive, people are drawn to them. So they acquire a certain amount of influence. As the narcissist gets ready to cut you out of her world, she then tries to pull those close to you  into her camp. This is accomplished by subtly manipulating them, as the morally disordered person finds a way to meet their deepest needs. That way they are "indebted" to her, and will generally go along with her game.

Or, the abuser may go so far as to spread lies about you, so the people who once trusted you now doubt your credibility. Why would anyone believe such outrageous falsehoods? Narcissists are very persuasive, and they skillfully mix truth with lies to make their story look as if it holds water. Plus, humans are weak and are easily controlled by these master manipulators.

If you suspect you have a female narcissist in your life, or you know you do, cut her loose immediately. The longer she hangs around, the more of a mess she'll create.

Morguefile photo top by absentmindedabe

For a discussion of malignant narcissism from a spiritual perspective, please visit my Church Bullies blog.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

A Malignant Narcissist Will Claim that You're Selfish

If you're involved with a malignant narcissist, be prepared to hear a bunch of unflattering adjectives hurled at you. This will intensify as you move from the idealization to the devalue/discard phase, part of the natural progression of how a relationship with a morally disordered person evolves.

Because malignant narcissists refuse to accept responsibility for their actions, and will never admit they're at fault, they like to deflect their behavior onto you. So you might be called "selfish," or "unreasonable," or "manipulative" or "controlling" or "unforgiving." In reality, all of these accurately describe how the narcissist operates.

However, selfish is a favorite charge because the narcissist wants to convince her target she needs to give more in order to save the relationship. However, there's no point in trying to preserve a relationship with a morally disordered adult. Even if you manage to sail past this storm, another one will form before too long. That's because, ultimately, there's no pleasing a narcissist.

In reality, targets need to become more "selfish" so they can move on and find healthier relationships, while severing the ties that bind them to this emotional vampire. Ironically, up until now, a target hasn't been "selfish" enough.

Narcissists prey upon empaths, those giving souls who put themselves out for others. Empaths are highly attune to the needs of those around them. A narcissist zeros in on these kindly fixers, who like help solve other people's problems, because she knows they aren't "selfish" enough. It's lack of healthy selfishness that draws someone into a malignant narcissist's deadly grasp.

Morguefile photo top by clarita

For a discussion of malignant narcissism from a spiritual perspective, please visit my Church Bullies blog.