Thursday, February 26, 2015

Living by a Narcissist's Rules

Those of us who've spent time with a morally disordered person cannot help but notice their hypocritical behavior. Narcissists love to make rules, but only for others to follow. They set impossibly high standards, which no mere moral is ever capable of living up to. Plus, the goal lines are always moving. Even if you satisfy one set of expectations, additional, equally absurd ones will follow.

Of course, if you look closely, a narcissist doesn't live by her own standards. These are put in place for everyone else, especially for her targets. Then, when you fall short of the mark, she'll point fingers. She'll try to convince you of your own "unworthiness." She'll also use your perceived "shortcomings" in an attempt to undermine your other relationships. 

This is what often happens when you're involved in a group dynamic with a narcissist. In a social situation, a malignant personality will gravitate into a position of power. Then, she'll choose a target. (Morally disordered people always need a target.)

Most people are easily led, and most narcissists are extremely charismatic, so they are swayed when a narcissist points out someone's real or imagined faults. This is one of the ways she's able to turn others against her current target.

Of course, if you're the target, there's little you can do to change people's minds. Nor is it advisable to try. Life is to short to spend time and energy on such weak-willed people, who don't have the integrity to defend someone who's being unfairly accused and unjustly treated.

Original Pixabay image top by OpenClips

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Thin-Skinned Narcissist

Looking back on my experience with a deceitful female "friend," one of the ironies is how thin-skinned she was. I think this is very typical of people with strong narcissistic traits. Usually she commanded a lot of respect. However, the one time someone said something mildly unkind to her, she reacted as if the person had pulled out a knife and stabbed her in the chest. The rest of the day, she spent complaining about this one pretty trivial incident.

Malicious people are very good at criticizing and correcting others. This woman excelled at pointing out everyone else's shortcomings, both to their faces and behind their backs. However, it was a much different story when someone took issue with something she did.

Malignant narcissists are the ultimate hypocrites. Despite this incident, which seemed to make my fake friend come unglued, she'd always tell me to simply "offer up" to God whatever was troubling me, which, at that time, was a group mobbing at church. Our family was being run out of our place of worship, and I didn't know why.

As various events unfolded, it became increasingly clear that she was likely behind a lot, if not most, of the trouble.

Being aware that malignant personalities exist is one of the first steps you can take to protect yourself from these predators, whom, nowadays, seem to be everywhere.

Original Pixabay image by OpenClips

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Surrounding Yourself with Goodness

As the years go by, and the main instigator is out of my orbit, along with all her flying monkeys, peace has returned. I've been able to surround myself with goodness. Wonderful people have come into my life. Occasionally, I'll notice some of the old, familiar disturbing traits in a new acquaintance, but I quickly move on.

Actually, it becomes a mutual parting of the ways. That's because, as I've mentioned before, morally disordered people are incredibly astute at picking up on our emotions and reactions. So they sense when a potential target sees past their facade.

Once you get used to being in the company of kind, honest people, you realize that spending time with them is peaceful. Instead, with a malignant personality, there's a tension that's hard to describe, but it's always there. You don't feel quite right in their presence, because they are so draining. They're always working an angle. This is why malignant narcissists and other abusers are rightly called emotional vampires.

If you've been through a hellish experience with a malignant narcissist, don't give up on humanity. There are still many wonderful people in the world. How do you find them? First, cut yourself loose from the "friends" who drag you down. This leaves room for the generous, empathetic souls more deserving of your time.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Monday, February 23, 2015

Narcissists Entertain Themselves at Our Expense

One of the most maddening parts about being abused by a narcissist is knowing that she's deriving pleasure from watching you suffer. In fact, she probably finds the process highly entertaining.

This is precisely why malignant narcissists are so disturbed. They enjoy seeing the drama they've created, and they also relish the fact that they're so sneaky that very few bystanders will realize what they've done. Oftentimes, only the victim is aware of the diabolical traps set by a malicious personality. And, if she tries to convince anyone otherwise, no one will believe her.

Psychologists consider this type of behavior to be very aberrant. Normal, healthy people do not wish to destroy others. They would never consider it. They do not like to watch anyone suffer, especially when they know they're responsible. They are not amused by this, and they'll also do all they can to alleviate the pain.

A malignant narcissist, on the other hand, becomes even more aggressive when she senses blood. This is what distinguishes such morally disordered characters from the rest of us.

It's very difficult to know that someone is happy that you're miserable. It can make you angry and depressed. You feel ashamed, defeated and humiliated.

However, with time, these negative feelings fade. Eventually, you'll recognize the narcissist for what she is, a very pathetic example of human nature at its worst.

Original Pixabay image by Nemo

Friday, February 20, 2015

Making Excuses for Narcissistic Behavior

Lately, a couple people have left angry messages on some of my Pinterest pins, specifically concerning the fact that malignant narcissism is a moral disorder. They claim that, instead, a person who acts in an anti-social manner is "sick."

Of course, I disagree with that. People who willingly hurt others choose to do so. What they are doing is wrong, and they know it. Otherwise, they wouldn't go to such extreme lengths to cover up their misdeeds.

Regardless of whether someone believes they suffer from what psychologists call a personality disorder, no one has the right to abuse anyone else. They can claim they are "sick" all they want. But hiding behind a label doesn't let them off the hook.

Malignant narcissists act without morals. principles or integrity. Yes, I do believe some people are born with the tendency to be less empathetic than the average person, while others are born with a more altruistic nature. But this doesn't give anyone the right to try to destroy someone else, run them out of a job or act in socially aggressive manner, in an effort to destroy their other relationships.

Apparently, this moral argument does upset some folks, whom, apparently, think malicious behavior is part of an illness, and not indicative of lack of character.

This is why I believe it's important not to view anti-social personality disorder as a disease, instead of a very sad lifestyle choice.

Original Pixabay Image by Gellinger

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Malignant Narcissists and Closure

Therapists often talk about "closure." What this means is that you realize a relationship has come to an end and you assess the situation, with the goal of eventually finding peace.

If you've been involved with a malignant narcissist, plan to do this on your own. You won't receive any help from the other party, in terms of understanding what has happened. On the contrary, if you try to bring it up, she'll shoot you down, deny what has happened, shift the blame, change the subject or fly into a rage. You might see all of the above behaviors occur within a short period of time.

Of course, an apology would greatly help, but you're not going to get it. Unless someone has sincerely changed (unlikely), and she truly feels bad about what has taken place, you may just hear a weak "I'm sorry," said with angry undertones, followed by a string of excuses and accusations. Malignant narcissists don't like to be held accountable. They'll always find a way to duck responsibility.

So, don't wait for a confession, followed by repentance. Don't expect a narcopath to ask for your forgiveness. You'll have a very long wait, because morally disordered people suffer from an overblown sense of entitlement. They think they are special, so the rules that apply to everyone else don't apply to them.

Meanwhile, you need to bounce back from this dreadful experience and put it behind you, retaining, of course, valuable, lifelong lessons, in order to prevent you from getting involved with another one of these predators.


I'm not a therapist, and I write from the perspective of someone who has survived a deceitful platonic relationship that created many problems for me and my loved ones.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Narcissists and Those Long Pauses

Malignant narcissists are compulsive liars. However, they are also very good at covering up their morally bankruptcy. Nonetheless, behavioral experts tell us what to look or, when we suspect someone's being less than truthful.

Of course, with a narcissist, you could say she's probably lying whenever her lips are moving. But the problem is we usually don't spot these folks until after the fact, when they've already done a great deal of damage, to our jobs, to our finances and to our other relationships.

Coverts are the hardest to detect, because they appear so saintly. (These types are often found at church.) That's why these below-the-radar predators are extremely dangerous, since they're the last ones anyone would suspect of spinning elaborate stories.

However, there are some things to watch for, especially when a new person comes into our lives. Telling the truth comes naturally, and most honest people don't have to wait, after being asked a question, before they begin to formulate their answers. Not so with liars. They need more time to get their story straight. That's why you may notice longer-than-normal pauses when you ask them something.

There are other clues as well. Look for general evasiveness, along with the inability to answer a "yes" or a "no" question directly. If you see a constellation of these clues, proceed very carefully.

Also, go with your gut. If you have a funny feeling that someone isn't truthful, withhold your trust, until you have a better indication of their character.

Original Pixabay image (top) by triyuggowicaksono