Thursday, October 24, 2013

Knowledge Will Free You From the Bully's Grip

Female bullies operate through relational aggression. They create havoc for their target in her social and professional settings. This is the chief means by which they inflict punishment. Although, growing up, we're told that "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you," that's not entirely true.

The psychological wounds cut deep. In a social group, this may mean someone is marginalized. It's particularly painful if she has children, since they may no longer receive invitations to play dates or to birthday parties.

With church bullies, it may mean her entire family must pull up roots and replant themselves elsewhere. The pastor might not be aware of what is happening or he might assume the bully is not capable of such sinister behavior. Bullies are charmingly deceptive.

In the case of workplace bullying, the usual outcome is job loss, either forced or voluntary. Most people, out of self interest, will side with the bully.

Observers may believe this is just "a personality clash." If the target is emotional, she'll be blamed for "causing trouble." Disordered personalities are clever. They know what buttons to push to make you react.

Learning all you can about narcissistic personality disorder helps take much of the sting away. You'll see that your aggressor, most likely, suffers from a serious character flaw. It's her shortcoming, not yours.

Bullies often aim their arrows at people they envy. They see some quality they want, and, because of their disorder, believe they're entitled to get it. Their concept of self is weak. That's why they constantly seek praise and admiration, at the expense of someone else. In their minds, pulling you down elevates their own standing.

Learning about these dynamics gives you the tools to act. Most of the time, walking away is the best solution. It's not defeat. It's choosing a better work or worship environment, or a nicer group of friends.

Flickr photo by tellatic


  1. Perfect! This is exactly how my sister started the bully to make me out as the trouble maker. Using any little reaction to her cheeky lies out as outrageous and much worse then they were. I tried to answer very calmly, though really upset by her, but it did not matter, she pretended to be very insultet and hurt anyway.

    The trick worked on her minions who started attacking me, while it was she who was behaving nasty for real. Her saying I was doing stuff is not proof of me doing anything.

    I heard this summer she's still making out that I am stalking her, harrassing her, having a smear campaign about her. She's heard nothing from me since her attack on me last spring, followed by her attack dogs trying to get to me for a few months time.

    These people don't need you to do anything, as they'll just conjure up stuff you've made. I do talk about these issues, but not under my real name anywhere, while she and her minions talk openly on FB and pretend their lies are the reality, and me and others knowing the truth are the real liars.

    These liars will do anything to cover up their lies, so any mentioning about the truth to them will start a new hate wave from them. This summer a brother who saw what did happen and knows I am the one telling the truth, tried to talk to the other brother, who believes the lies, and that stired just up the next wave and new smears about me on FB.

    I didn't do anything, it was enough a person knowing the truth spoke up in my defence and the shit hit the fan again, so to speak. They will not allow me to be right, to have my honor back. They wish to ruin my reputation and crush me.

    So no, I will not ever allow them back into my life. They would only let me if I forever crawled on my belly in the dirt, so no thank you! :))

    1. My most recent ex boyfriend's daughter was doing that to one of her brothers and even now laughs at it. She is highly narcissistic and could possibly be a sociopath. She is the cause of the break of the relationship with my boyfriend. The problem is that he can't see her narcissism as she is very loyal towards him. She will visit at any time even when he is having his evening meal with me not at regular times and when she does talks at him the whole time so he hardly gets a word in. He spoiled her when she was a child and praised her for telling a waiter in an Italian restaurant how pasta should be cooked.

  2. Hi Ingis, what you have survived is simply unimaginable. You sound young, so, fortunately, you have your entire life ahead of you, without your sister. I can assure you that time will catch up with her, and so will her lies. I've seen this happen with other people. For awhile, life will go along very smoothly for a narcissist, but this can't continue.

    Never forget that narcissists have extreme difficulty maintaining relationships. Eventually, one of the flying monkeys will turn on her, or she will turn on them. These types have absolutely no honor, integrity or loyalty.

    It sounds as if you are making all of the right decisions, to cut contact and the maintain a low profile around the abusers. (I'm not a trained therapist, but I'm pretty sure this is what a therapist would tell you)

    Feel free to check in anytime here. God bless you.

    1. I'm young in mind only, but you are right. My sister has re-made her life and personality a few times. Her last long relationship she ruined by cheating on him and thinking it was a GOOD idea, as she enjoyed it. Before that he was 100% on her side and always VERY nasty towards me. Up until these two last years I've always thought he was just a nasty person, but now I think he was told nasty things about me, turning him VERY negative towards me.

      It's cause her present husband first totally got on with me and I was so happy as I now thought me and my sister could have a proper relationship, with her nasty ex gone. But slowly he's turned against me too! Two years ago I told him about a serious illness I'd suffered from without knowing it, until is was almost too late, and I was saved. He listened, but didn't show any signs of sympathy, just listened and said some about his problems with drinking coffee nowdays. Then he asked my sister, with me standing there, if she knew about this health issue I'd had, and my sister straight out lied to him and said "no" and immediately changed the subject. I KNOW she knew and I can prove it... I after that I knew she lied about me to her husband (and many more?).

  3. It seems as if it will never end with your sister. But it's good that you know this, and that change is unlikely, so you can put some emotional distance between the two of you. Narcissists are very good at pulling others into their madness.

  4. When I've clashed with sociopathic and narcissitic women both online and in real life because I recognised red flags and wouldn't take their insults and anger personally I would get angry back and then get the blame.

  5. You can't wrestle with these pigs. They will simply sling their mud all over you and then point at YOU. I for one look forward to Jesus' bundling these tares and throwing them into the fire, just as He said He would.