Saturday, May 31, 2014

Malignant Narcissists Create Confusion

If you find yourself in a highly confusing situation, whether it be at work, at church or in a social setting, there's a good chance a malignant narcissist is present. That's because morally disordered people are capable of creating an incredible amount of chaos. Think of them as a one-person tornado, sucking everyone into the swirl, whether they want to be or not. Tensions will rise as the narcissist skillfully sows seeds of doubt and discord. A narcissist will attempt to fill your ears with all sorts of trash about others, and. then, tear you down behind your back as well. The environment turns toxic, as people begin suspecting each other of all kinds of things.

By creating such divisions, a narcissist is able to consolidate her power. People can't think clearly. If they could, they'd realize she is pulling the strings. Then, they could possibly take corrective action. By creating a situation that breeds division, a narcissist effectively neutralizes all potential opposition.

Typically, in such a scenario, there will be one scapegoat, whom the narcissist will banish from the scene. Because there's now so much confusion, no one sees the need to help the target. Once this happens, the disordered person will be hunting for a new target.

The group of weak-willed enablers, whom watched while someone else was mistreated, will soon break down. It will dissolve by infighting. The next target often comes from the narcissist's previous circle of "insiders," whom did nothing to help the last target, lending tacit approval to the narcissistic abuse.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Be Careful What You Share

If you notice someone has narcissistic traits, or she seems a little too eager to ferret out details of your life, be very careful of what you share. Most importantly, do not disclose sensitive information. In addition, you need to keep all other aspects of your whereabouts closely under wraps, even if they are not particularly "sensitive."

That's because malignant narcissists take innocent facts, attribute the worst possible motives, blow them out of proportion, and then invent stories to ruin your reputation. Say, for instance, you are happily married, but, last weekend, you traveled to visit your sister, who lives out of state. Your husband didn't come along on this trip because he had a lot of work to do. But he didn't mind if you went, because he knows you and your sister wanted to spend some time together.

If a malicious person catches wind of this innocent trip, she could assume that something is wrong with your marriage. (Probably because hers is on very shaky ground.) She'll start asking more questions, such as how often you visit your sister, without your husband. If she's targeting you, or plans to, she'll file this information away, along with the rest of the details she's now gathering.

For a time, she'll pretend to be your friend. Meanwhile, behind your back, she'll paint you as unstable because your marriage is "falling apart." She'll use the trips to your sister's house as "proof," along with her additional embellishments. People will believe her because malignant narcissists possess the gift of persuasion.

Plus, they build their case upon real facts, such as the weekend trip to your sister's. Because other people know this to be true, since you've shared it with them as well, they'll assume everything else they hear about you is true as well. Someone with a serious moral disorder may even invent a wild story of how you are also cheating on your husband. And since they have that little bit of real information, which you happened to mention, they can do a lot of damage.

This is all part of the narcissistic grooming process, where they are sizing you up before they attack. Even innocent, everyday events are used against you. So, when a narcissist is in the picture, don't share anything. Everything you say can and will be used against you.

Be especially wary of disclosing any personal information in the workplace. Nowadays, it seems as if every office with more than a few workers has a bully in the mix.

Monday, May 26, 2014

You'll Catch Glimpses of a Narcissist's True Colors

Most of us see the unmasked narcissist only during the discard phase. This is when she decides you no longer meet her needs, and she cuts you out of her life, with about as much regard as most people give to shooing away a fly. You've become burdensome and bothersome, and that's why she see's now sending you away. Up until this point, she's been your "soul mate." You've shared good times and you thought she was your best friend. However, it was a one-sided relationship, because she was using you, either for narcissistic supply or for a sympathetic ear because she is always in a state of crisis. You were her sounding board.

Or, perhaps she wanted you to watch her children so she could have some time to herself, unencumbered by the constraints of raising a family. (Narcissistic mothers aren't really too invested in their children, despite their protestations to the contrary.)

For whatever reason, she no longer needs you, or wants you around. Maybe she realizes you've caught her without her mask, and the glowing first impression has worn off. Because narcissists need constant praise, she's now getting it elsewhere.

However, if you think about it, even before she decided to discard you, and move on to the next victim, there were subtle warning signs. Occasionally, a malignant narcissist will slip and let you know what she's really like, and how her mind really works, even during the idealization and grooming phases, where they "love bomb" and flatter you.

Here is an example. One morally disordered person whom was once a big part of my life let her true colors show, when she suddenly dumped someone else and said, "I don't need them anymore," or something to that effect. She also dropped another "friend" over a very trivial matter. These are red flags to watch for, because she the person in question might turn out to be a fake friend.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

How Female Narcissists Treat Their Children

Sometimes it's difficult to spot a malignant narcissist, especially is she is the covert type. These women pretend to be devout, pious, kind and giving, which is why you'll often run into them at church. It's extremely tough to see through their facade, because they take such great measures to keep their mask from falling. Because we are social beings, and we all need friends, we sometimes choose the wrong companions. If you let a morally disordered person into your life, you'll live to regret it.

There's nothing we can do about the past. But, going forward, we don't want to make the same mistake. Cover narcissists can fool even highly trained professionals, even who've set their radar on high, in order to detect morally disordered people. So how can those of us without a background in psychology protect ourselves?

One giveaway is poor anger regulation. You'll probably see brief glimpses of rage beneath the seemingly calm exterior. Here's another way to discern that it's time to run in the other direction.

Narcissistic mothers don't like to take care of their children. At the same time, they make a point of trying to convince you, and everyone else, that they are supermoms.

However, if you pay attention, you'll notice that they don't like to spend time with their children. Nor, do they show an appropriate motherly level of concern for them.

They aren't overly worried when their children are sick. I've seen an extreme example of this, and, at the time, I just assumed the mother was much stronger, braver and more filled with faith than I was. That was until I also realized she's a very deceptive person.

Neglect of your responsibilities as a wife and mother is a very bad sign. But so is perfectionism. A mother who seems more involved with her children, but needs them to be perfect, in all ways and at all times, may also have a character disorder.

I've learned, the hard way, that how someone relates to their children often gives you a window into their character.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Female Narcissists Destroy Others With Gossip

Without gossip, an adult female bully is virtually powerless. Her mouth is her main weapon. She is very adept at dropping hints and negative suggestions about others. Through the years she has honed her skill so perfectly that her listeners oftentimes don't even realize they're party to backbiting behavior.

For a female narcissist, gossip serves a number of purposes. First, and foremost, she uses it to neutralize her target, because she's somehow able to convince everyone else the person in question is a very flawed individual. Gossip also, sadly, breeds camaraderie among members of her social group, who bond together to fight a common enemy. (The target becomes the scapegoat.)

In addition, gossip is used to maintain a narcissist's power base. If everyone around her suspects everyone else of wrongdoing, they won't be able to compare notes and figure out that she's the real troublemaker. If people knew the truth, most of them, unless they had a serious moral disorder themselves, would want nothing to do with her.

Also, if they could see the big picture, they'd realize they are dealing with a very dangerous person, who has the power to destroy, if she decides to turn on them. In fact, that's often what happens to her flying monkeys, whom the narcissist recruits to help carry out her agenda of making sure her target suffers. They play a role in getting her to leave her job, if this happens in a workplace setting. In a social situation, the target has no recourse but to withdraw from the group.

Anyone who allows someone else to be treated this way is an enabler. People who choose this position must watch their own back. Once one target is marginalized, a malignant narcissist starts for someone else.

It is very painful to be a target, and to have others look the other way. That's because they lack integrity. However, this is a bad reflection on them, not you. Although it's difficult to leave a job you loved, or to move away from a group of friends you once treasured, it's necessary. You deserve much better, and you'll find find peace again once you make the break.

What you are leaving is highly toxic. You can rest assured this dynamic has no future. It will eventually break down and dissolve, as it rests upon an unsteady foundation.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Narcissists Change Masks to Suit the Occasion

With a narcissist, what you see is never what you get. That's because you're viewing is a mask.Their true self is hidden behind a sweet facade. The mask will slip from time to time, but it's quickly replaced, unless you have entered the discard phase, when the narcissist has decided you are too much trouble or no longer useful. Sometimes a narcissist will discard you if she knows you can see through her mask. When a relationship with a morally disordered person hits this point, you'll experience her callous, ruthless behavior full force. But until that happens, you just see the mask.

Just today, while reading a Pinterest pin, I had a light bulb moment. The author of that made-for-Pinterest text pin pointed out that narcissists wear different masks for different people. People who abuse others first groom them for eventual destruction. So, in order to do that, they must first gain our confidence. Since each "friend" or target has a unique personality, this requires them to wear a new mask for each individual. The author pointed out this is why it's difficult for a narcissist to interact with two "friends" at the same time. It would be very uncomfortable, if not impossible, for her to keep switching masks, especially as she's trying to get to know someone.

Reading this pin cleared up some confusion I had with a certain relationship. I had wondered why this person, who has strong narcissistic traits never wanted to have me to her house, when another person was there. That's probably because socializing with us at the same time would have required too many flips of her masks.

Learning about the different facets of this destructive disorder can clear up a lot of confusion.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Characteristics of a True Friend

Having a morally disordered person in your life reveals who your true friends are. All of your relationships will be put to the test, when a female bully is in the mix. Female abusers use social aggression, which means every effort will be made to isolate you and to sever your support system. Oftentimes, this is accomplished in stages, each designed to turn you into an outcast.

A dominant female will seize control of all social activities. She will systematically exclude you. At the same time, she will lavish attention on the people you consider your friends. She will zero in on the person closest to you, and attempt to grant their every desire. Does your best friend have a young daughter who's socially withdrawn? Is your friend really worried about this?

Narcissists are extremely intelligent and they read the rest of us frighteningly well. They use the information they gather, while sizing us up, in order to manipulate us. In such a situation, the bully will foster a friendship between the shy girl and her own gregarious daughter. As far as the worried mother is concerned, this is a match made in Heaven. Her loyalties will then be divided between you, her best friend, and her new "friend."

So, unless your best friend is absolutely true blue, she's likely to go along with the plan to put you on the sidelines. Although you can't fault her for wanting to help her child, she still needs to stand by your side, in all circumstances. Social exclusion needs to be taken seriously. It's a very cruel form of bullying, and it's the primary way female abusers attack their targets. Unlike some male bullies, women do not use their firsts and do not threaten their adversaries with physical violence. Instead, they use social aggression.

How can you tell if someone is loyal. One way is by not remaining neutral. This sends a loud and clear message to the bully that her bad behavior is tolerated.

Although we all want the best for our children, real friends do not compromise when they see a friend being hurt. Also, real friends do not defend the actions of the bully or accuse you of being "too sensitive." Real friends also try to rectify the situation, even if it involves the risk of social sanctions.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Covert Narcissists Give Themselves Away

Covert narcissists are difficult to spot. That's because their bad behavior is hidden behind a mask of goodness and sanctity. (Many of the morally disordered people you find at church fall into this category.) They the most damaging of all types of narcissists, since they'd be the last person you'd suspect of having ulterior motives. Plus, they are very good at covering their tracks.

Because they appear so benevolent, we trust them with our secrets. This information is then filed away and later used to hurt us. If you find yourself in a social situation that's suddenly become very uncomfortable, or if you're now having trouble at work, and your performance hasn't slipped, it's quite possible you have a covert narcissist on your case, working behind the scenes. (They always do their dirty deeds under the cover of darkness.) All you notice is that people mysteriously start to shun you. This is because these narcissists are skillful liars, and they destroy their targets by spreading outrageous falsehoods with only a hint of truth. (By adding a few truthful details, they get people to believe them.)

Dealing with a covert narcissists is very frustrating. The person causing the trouble is likely blaming you for it, so everyone's perception of the events if skewed. The best way to avoid such drama is not to get entangled with one of these deceivers in the first place, and, especially, don't share any secrets with them. But how do you spot them, since they're even able to fool trained professionals?

Here's what someone who specializes in this line of work told me. "They have very poor anger regulation," she explained. "If you look carefully, you'll see that they can't control their anger."

They may get angry at situations the rest of us wouldn't. Or, they may briefly lash out at you, and then apologize. Very quickly, they'll regain their composure and smile. People who don't suffer from such a character disorder are usually even tempered and are not prone to these types of outbursts.

What you've just witnessed is the mask slipping. You could be dealing with a covert narcissist. So proceed cautiously.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Malignant Narcissists are Insanely Envious

Morally disordered people are never satisfied with what they have. They want more and they're always on the lookout for new acquisitions. The fact that you own something makes it all the more attractive to them, especially if it's something you hold dear. Your possession might include having a slightly nicer house than the narcissist. If that's the case, she'll be seething with envy. Or, you might be very competent at your job, and this is obvious to everyone else in the department. To "remedy" this situation, she will try to undermine you and even drive you out of your position.

Female bullies operate on the principle of social aggression. If you're their target, they spare no effort to destroy the relationships you have with other people. This is exceedingly cruel, because it leaves you without a support system. All but the most loyal friends will fall for her ploy. In fact, when a malignant narcissist decides to attack, you find out who your true friends are, because she'll try to "buy" each one of them off with favors and inclusion into the social network that she controls. Only the most true blue individuals will see through her act and not going along with her attempt to ostracize you.

If someone adopts a position of neutrality, they are not true blue. Instead, they are an enabler.

The person the narcissist will try the hardest to recruit will be your best friend, if you all belong to the same social circle. That's because narcissists are so covetous that they want this relationship all for themselves. Everything you have they want, and they will stop at nothing to take it away from you.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Malignant Narcissists and "Crazy Making"

If you've ever been involved with a malignant narcissist, you'll understand the term "crazy making." This is just as it implies, as relationships with morally disordered people keep you off balance. Part of the reason for this is due to the fact that abusers like to toy with you, and they will use a variety of techniques, such as "gas lighting," to weaken you so they can assert their dominance.

Gas lighting is when they employ cruel psychological tactics that make you doubt your perception of something that really happened. The term comes from an old movie in which a husband slowly tries to drive his wife insane by manipulating their environment, but denying he did so.

To a narcissist, everything is a game and she wants to win each round at all costs.

Another reason you feel a little crazy is because their words and their actions do not match up. They may profess their love, loyalty and affection for you. They may even call you their "best friend." But talk is cheap. It's what they do, not what they say, that you need to take seriously. Remember when your mother was desperately ill, and you were taking care of her? You didn't have a minute to yourself and you didn't know how you were possibly going to get your children back and forth to school. Even though your narcissistic "friend" lived a few blocks away, and she was traveling in the same direction, because her kids attend the same school, did she offer to help, even once? In fact, when you asked her to drive just one time, she wriggled out with a flimsy excuse.

This is despite the fact you've taken her children, dozens of times, for the entire weekend, so she could have some time to herself.

Narcissists are all about themselves, despite their protestations otherwise. If they ever do extend themselves for someone, you're sure to hear about it, repeatedly.

Disordered people also seem to have an uncanny knack for knowing just how far to push us, before we say "enough is enough." When that point is reached, they'll do something really nice for you, so you begin to wonder if, perhaps, you're over reacting and not cutting them enough slack. You might even start to think you're the one with the problem, not them. Don't fall for this tactic. This is just part of narcissistic crazy making.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Malignant Narcissists are Serial Bullies

Deviant behavior does not arise out of the blue. It is a pattern that's repeated, usually throughout a person's life. A female narcissist did not just suddenly decide to abuse someone. This is something an adult bully most likely been doing since childhood. Because it served her so "well" to mistreat others, and to engage in mind games, she "perfected" her "skills" and turned them into an art form.

A morally disordered person with the propensity to hurt someone does not stop when her target is neutralized or destroyed. She needs the rush and exhilaration that come from inflicting pain. So, after a short breather, another target will be chosen. In the workplace, this typically happens after she's managed to either drive her last rival out, or connive long and hard enough to get her fired. She'll strike again, because she won't be able to exist without the constant drama. Why management won't step in when they realize one person after another is leaving is something that mystifies me. It is very expensive to keep having to hire and to train new people.

I realize narcissists are extremely crafty and deceptive, and that they project their bad deeds onto the target. But, after a while, you'd think that someone would wise up. The only explanation that makes sense is that narcissists are so charming, and command such a presence, that those in a position of power to make things right are either afraid or totally taken up with the abuser.

But, anyway, these folks operate in a fairly predictable pattern. When you're dealing with an adult bully, you can rest assured that you aren't her first victim and you won't be her last. She'll have a long history of causing upheaval where ever she goes.

The chaos also carries over into her personal life. If she has children, unfortunately, they are suffering tremendously. At the very least, they are very neglected on an emotional level, although one of them might be chosen as the "golden child" and groomed to be a mirror image of her mother. She will then direct her attacks toward her siblings.

Psychologists believe malignant narcissism is a permanent disorder that has no cure. I agree, to a point. If someone repents of their behavior, and turns to God, he can transform them into a much different person.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Narcissists are Like Serpents

Malignant narcissists operate very much like slithery snakes. They pretend to be your friend and they like to elicit your help. I recently saw an illustration on a social media site that reminded me of how they work. It showed one person helping another, trying to untangle the noose around his neck. Both men were resting on stools. As the helper was freeing his "friend," unbeknownst to him, the one entangled by the rope also had his foot on the other person's stool, ready to kick it out from under him.

A morally disordered person will still try hurt you, even though you've just done something nice for them.

This reminded me so much of my encounter with a malignant narcissist. I was always ready to help her, because that's what friends do. Because I felt sorry for her (morally disordered people like to play upon your sympathies) I was empathetic to the fact she complained about having little money and being deeply in debt. So, on a couple of occasions, I gave her $20 to buy some groceries. I'd also give her children clothes that my children had outgrown.

Narcissists love it when people help them, and they obtain this help by throwing out little hints that make you feel obligated to respond to their needs. They fully expect that you will behave the way they want you to. They expect all kinds of favors because they feel entitled to them. (This is one of the characteristics of their disorder.) However, at the same time you are performing an act of kindness, they are busy plotting your destruction. You can never trust a narcissist.

They take whatever you will give them, even as they are planning evil deeds against you, or getting ready to discard you. Don't feel too badly if you have ever been taken in by a malignant narcissist. Until your eyes are opened to this insidious condition, typically from first-hand experience, you could never even begin to fathom that someone who seems so righteous could be so ruthless.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

A Narcissist Wants to Humiliate You

Malignant narcissists derive pleasure from hurting others. As they work to neutralize a target, they do so in such a way that causes maximum humiliation. A person with a moral disorder of this magnitude has lost, or has never had, all sense of reason, compassion, perspective and empathy. Life is a game to be played, and winning is paramount. Toying with another, and inflicting pain in the process, appears to be part of their strategy. Even if this isn't their intent, their behavior is very destructive and they don't seem to get it that their actions are reprehensible and outside the bounds of what society considers appropriate.

Anyone who's been entangled with a malignant narcissist can testify that their actions go above and beyond what's "needed" to take down a rival. For instance, if a disordered personality wants to push someone out of a job, they they'll make sure to do it in the most uncomfortable and unpleasant manner imaginable.

Because narcissists are typically "gifted" with superior intelligence, which they misuse, they'll set up psychological "trip wires" that cause a target to stumble. These are elaborate scenarios that they concoct, with the help of a fleet of enablers or flying monkeys. All are designed to make a public show of their victim.

For instance, a narcissistic predator may concoct a scenario where you blow it during a corporate presentation, in front of your higher ups and colleagues. This is because she (this is a blog about female bullies) carefully fed you the wrong information. Meanwhile, she put a bug in your supervisor's ear that you wouldn't take any of her suggestions to properly prepare for the presentation. She spreads the same information to the rest of your coworkers.

This action follows the narcissist's aggressive year-long campaign to get you fired. Although such public humiliation wasn't necessary to her game plan, as your employment was on such shaky ground to begin with, she made sure you went out with a bang, with an unforgettable display of your "incompetence."

This is how narcissists operate, with intrigue, subterfuge and relational aggression.

However, ultimately, the last laugh will be on her. Eventually everyone will catch on to her mal-adaptive behavior and she'll end up lonely and miserable.