Thursday, June 5, 2014

Adult Relational Aggression Hurts Children

Female narcissists harm others by relational aggression. This means they will deftly cut someone out of their lives, usually another woman. At the same time, the aggressor builds a solid social circle around herself.

The banished person loses her social standing. The narcissist knows this, and she stops at nothing to make sure the woman she's targeting becomes an outcast.

Everyone involved is forced to choose between the group led by the narcissist, or the solitary player the narcissist is punishing. Most people find the former option much more attractive. That's because we're social beings with a deep need to belong.

A few people will straddle the fence, as the narcissist attempts to drag them over to her side. One by one, they fall and, eventually, become her allies.

If this is a group of mothers, the stakes are high. Not going along with the narcissist's agenda means you, and your children, could also be cast aside. This means no more play dates, sleepovers and birthday party invitations. Even the most well-meaning Mom will have a hard time resisting the pull, given the circumstances.

For the target, this is traumatic. She will suffer social isolation, and she will watch, as her children are also left without any "friends." She will grieve for the lost relationships, but, most of all, she will worry greatly how this will affect her children, now sitting on the sidelines right along with her.

I recently read a magazine article about a suburban mom targeted in such a way, after moving into a very nice neighborhood. Once this happened, she begged her husband to sell the house so they could relocate.

Actually, when things turn toxic among a group of mothers, all the children suffer. The narcissist's offspring have it particularly rough, as being raised by someone with a moral disorder is no picnic. The bystanders, who do nothing to help the target, and accept the fact she's being mistreated, send a horrible message to their own children, of just how not to behave.

Unfortunately, everyone suffers when narcissistic abuse goes unchecked.

So, what's the solution? I don't have the answer, but I do hope that raising awareness of malignant narcissism will help more people see through these sick mind games, so people can see them for what they are and decide not to play.


  1. Many years ago we lived in a small village up north and the nextdoor woman, who I thought was my friend, started to spread toxic stuff about me. I think she got it from an ex-neighbour, but I'm not totally sure. The ex-neighbour was married to a lying narcissist, who was cheating on her, so I knew he lied to his wife and she had told me when I confronted her stuff he'd said about me that was all lies. So my guess is that she went to my neighbour - the woman I thought was my friend - and told her lies her husband had told her. Little truth mixed with lots of lies and exaggerations - the usual stuff. I really don't know what was said as NOBODY of these people talked to me or my family after that.

    We had already decided to move away at that time - luckily - and when we did there were not many neighbours talking to us, but one husband to another woman (who'd stopped talking to us) came over and said good bye. Good for him! He stood up and showed he didn't care for idle gossip. A couple that just moved in and we'd helped was nice, and also the old couple that bought our house. All the rest looked upon us like aliens from outer space.

    And the woman I had thought was my friend also attacked our children, using her husband. She lied about them telling him our children were bullying HER, writting evil letters to her, and messages to her on the pavement infront of their house. It was probarbly done by their son, said our oldest daughter who was the one accused. All this had been going on while we and our children had been down here south, signing the papers on our new house at the bank - hundreds miles away. Still she had fooled her husband into believing it was OUR children doing the mischief and he rang us in the middle of the night - screaming about our children. I got so scared my heart raised. I thought he was watching them dangling from the upstair window!

    I dropped the phone and ran up and found them all four safe. Happy I ran down and shared with him the joyous news that they were all well, nothing to fear. That was when I started to realize what he was actually phoning about and when the truth came out, that he was bothering us like this due to the madness of his wifes delusions... Well, I was so full of adrenaline from the utter shock of thinking my darlings were in lethal peril I actually roared at him like a very angry lioness to go to HELL. Something I normally never do, but he sure had it coming for scaring the living sh*t out of me like that, just for absolutely nothing. :)

    This occured right after I had been bullied at work by the female priest, so I was quite tired of nasty people. All I want is to have friends and be friends, but the green eyed monster keeps getting in the way. After this I never bothered with friends ever again. I did online awhile, but the same stuff happened - the lying, projecting, deluded narcs would track me down and sniff me out. I'm just too much of a magnet to them, so now I rather stay out of any kind of unnecessary relationships. If I can change this, so I stop attracting them, I might give it another try - but then I sure must get this first. :)

  2. Hi Ingis, I have not stopped attracting them and I am still a magnet. But because I now catch on, these wolves in sheep's clothing now seem to be afraid of me, and they stay out of my way. So there's a lot more room for healthy relationships, with people who have your best interests at heart.

    1. Perhaps we always will be magnets and the trick is to learn to spot them, duck and run. :)) At the present I'm still under influence from my narc-siblings and until that is done I will hold up on "friendship". I'm a total drag right now, and even managed to annoy my daughter-in-law talking to my son about these issues, as he wanted to know and she got bored! Not much of a support or fun company, I am. :((

  3. Hi Ingis, this is a very tough road you've traveled. Good people are out there, but so are the other type, who do not have your best interests at heart. I'm so sorry to hear that your siblings are still problematic. I wish this weren't the case.

  4. The narcs can't alienate me from their silly juvenile social circles because I PREFER to be alone! Their phony little charades are too emotionally draining and boring for my tastes. Unless I am 100% comfortable in my own skin around someone, I prefer to avoid them. And at this point, that's 100 % of everyone I know except my spouse and child.