Friday, August 29, 2014
In my last post, I discussed the futility of trying to make a malignant narcissist feel sorry for you. This will never work, because she doesn't have the normal range of emotions, specifically empathy for another human being. Plus, she has probably plotted long and hard to cause you distress. Listening to how much the event, which she has orchestrated, have hurt you will only serve to embolden her. So, if you tell her how you feel, you can expect even more misery to come your way.
A narcissist will only attack if she senses she can win. Once her prey is weakened, she'll o for the kill. If a malignant narcissist senses she's causing you much anguish, this is her cue to ramp up the fight. You are dealing with a very sick, twisted individual who doesn't process things normally. Unfortunately, for all too many targets, the dynamics of narcissistic abuse play out at work, since this is where adults congregate.
Pixabay image by OpenClips
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
By the time you realize you have a female narcissist in your life, she's probably caused a great deal of upheaval. She's damaged your reputation, your other relationships and possibly your job as well. If you work with such a morally disordered female, and she's turned on you, chances are it has devolved into a mobbing situation. Just about everyone else has aligned with her. Those who'd like to stand by your side slither away, out of fear they'll be next.
Since you're under enormous stress, it might be tempting to approach the narcissist to try and obtain some clemency. However, if the person in question really does suffer from a moral disorder, this won't work. That's because she's lacking the normal human emotions of empathy and remorse. She is unable to see things from your point of view and she has also probably convinced herself that you deserve this type of treatment.
Healthy people feel terrible if they realize they've hurt someone. However, someone with a full-blown case of narcissistic personality disorder is not bothered by the fact she's become a destructive force. Some narcissistic sociopaths even enjoy watching someone else suffer at their hands.
This is why exposing your innermost thoughts to a malignant narcissist is a huge mistake. At the very least, she's not going to care that she's hurting you. Quite possibly, she'll then use this information to better formulate her attack.
It's no use trying to reason with one of these emotional predators, any more than you'd try to reason with a great white shark circling in the water, seeking to devour you.
Pixabay image top by geralt
Monday, August 25, 2014
Narcissists have very warped thinking and they are insanely envious. These two traits together create some interesting dynamics. If you have something, they automatically want it, even if it's not of value or of no benefit to them. This includes money, material possessions, positions of honor, friendships and even your good name. They even desire very intangible things, such as integrity, virtue and high standards. Knowing they cannot compete with you on this level, since they lack ethics and integrity, they will even try to take these qualities away from you.
So, everyone thinks you're a nice person? This is the first thing a malignant narcissist will try to change. She'll spread rumors and do her utmost to provoke you in public, in hopes you'll react. If she can get you to lash out at her in front of her people, she's just proven her point. See, I told you so?
A morally disordered person will even set up various scenarios to make you look bad. For instance, she may ask you to do something that doesn't appear to be all that ridiculous. She may want you to ask a particular person a question, or, if it's an authority figure, request permission to do something. Meanwhile, behind your back, she will approach this same individual in order to undermine you. She may attribute nefarious motives to your actions, lying through her teeth to make you look bad.
What's driving her to do this? Malignant narcissists are so competitive that anything another person does, which casts them in a favorable light, is an threat to her self esteem. She views this as being one-upped, and she needs to settle the score. In her mind, things will "even out" if she can embarrass, humiliate and discredit you.
So, you have high standards? A narcissist doesn't, so she wants to steal yours. Even though a malignant narcissist isn't trying to kill your body, she's trying to destroy your life. That's why these emotional predators are highly dangerous.
Pixabay image top by Nemo
Saturday, August 23, 2014
It's often hard to discern someone's character when you first meet them. But, in this day and age, we need to exercise discernment. This is all the more true if you've been the target of a narcissist in the past. Some of us are magnets for morally disordered people, who come in all shapes, sizes and guises.
Even psychologists may have a hard time picking them out of a crowd. Because morally disordered people are so adept at reading others, and feigning normal human emotions, they adapt their mask to fit the occasion, and so they're able to fool even the experts.
So, is there anything an emotional predator may do, to give you a heads up, before you become heavily invested in a relationship? Yes, according to Dr. Martha Stout, PhD., author of The Sociopath Next Door. She has found that malignant narcissists/sociopaths/con artists play the sympathy card early in a relationship.
Since malignant people often target empaths, this, apparently, is an effective device to draw you into their world, one of the last places you need to enter.
So beware when someone you don't well plays this hand. This is where discernment comes in. You may be dealing with a distressed person who desperately needs your sympathy and support. Or you may be dealing with a sociopath. Watch carefully for other signs, and, if you see them, rush for the exit.
Pixabay image top by Nemo
Thursday, August 21, 2014
It's an exercise in futility trying to preserve a friendship with a borderline or a narcissist. Although things may go well for a while, it's only a matter of time until something happens to trigger her rage. People with malignant personalities often get upset over very inconsequential matters, which the average person wouldn't even notice.
Because of their inherent character flaw, they can only think in black and white terms. At any given moment, you are either all good or all bad. There's no middle ground. In her mind, if you happen to be good "good," then it's smooth sailing. If not, then you become public enemy number one. When this happens, a toxic personality will try to draw bystanders into the drama. Because lying is so natural for a malignant narcissist, she will stretch the true facts, and embellish the rest of the story with lies.
Narcissists are very charming, especially if you don't know them well. They also know how to mimic normal human emotions, which they don't have, in order to come across as convincing and believable. So they're able to create a lot of conflict in the lives of people close to them.
Life is too short to be living it walking on eggshells, in fear of getting on the bad side of a malignant narcissist. There are seven billion people on the planet and most of them do not suffer from this very debilitating character flaw You're much better off cutting the narcissist loose and spending time with healthier folks.
Pixabay photo top by Hans
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Sometimes it's difficult to discern malignant narcissism in someone you don't know well. This is also be a difficult task even if you've spent a fair amount of time with a person. That's because narcissists are so good at putting on a mask in order to convince the world of their benevolence. There is also a such thing as covert narcissists, which means they are so good at concealing their disorder that they're among the last people you'd ever suspect had such a dark side.
Oftentimes, you don't realize how disturbed they are until you're heavily invested in the relationship. And, once you let a narcissist into your life, chaos follows.
Are there any telltale signs to look for, if you suspect someone is a closet narcissist? Actually, there are a couple. One is an ability to control anger, even if you just see brief glimpses of this. Another is sarcasm, or jokes at someone else's expense. These may be subtle jabs, almost too small to register as being malicious. But the intent is to make another person, who isn't present, look bad. Because narcissists can be so amusing, we tend to overlook this sarcasm, or assume it's not quite so evil as it really is.
Nearly every narcissist I've known uses sarcasm very effectively. Not everyone with narcissistic traits takes it the extra step, going out of their way to hurt people. But if someone is sarcastic and sadistic, this makes them very dangerous.
Pixabay photo by kheinz46
Monday, August 18, 2014
At the heart of malignant narcissism lies intense envy. Part of this disorder involves always having to be "the best." Because narcissistic women are so competitive, anything you have they want, and they'll go out of their way to take it from you. This can include your job, your friends and even very intangible things, such as your good name.
Watch your back if you are singled out for a promotion or for other special recognition, if you are more attractive than most of the other women in your office or if you happen to find the man of your dreams. Because of an unhealthy level of envy, this can be enough to make a very jealous green-eyed monster appear.
A morally disordered person suffering from malignant narcissism can't stand to see someone else succeed. Once you appear on her radar, you become her enemy and she'll do everything it takes to bring you back down to earth. What she wants is for you to land in a thud. By clipping your wings, she expects to be able to soar herself, even though it doesn't work this way.
Malignant narcissists can only think of themselves and what's in it for them. They lack the capacity to be truly happy for another person, and to wish them the very best. Instead, they see someone else's gifts and attributes as threatening. This is why they often choose targets who are attractive and personable. These are the type of people they want to destroy. Because malignant personalities do not play fair, and are prone to spreading malicious rumors, they usually do a great deal of damage to their target.
Narcissists may also choose slightly awkward and vulnerable people as targets, solely because they can. That's because these types lack a strong support system, to step in when a morally disordered person launches an emotional assault.
Pixabay image top by PublicDomainPictures
Saturday, August 16, 2014
One thing I noticed in my dealings with a malignant narcissist is that morally disordered people have an almost superhuman ability to spot each other. Although I don't understand how this works, it's the only plausible explanation for how quickly and easily these types can hook up, in order to advance an agenda.
All I can figure out is that narcissists have a talent for sizing people up. They also have an uncanny ability to ferret out empaths, typically so they can "befriend" them before they begin to abuse them.
Whenever they want to put an evil plan into action, they always appear to know just who will assist them. Because a disordered personality always needs an enemy, the type of "help" they're typically looking for is assistance in destroying whomever it is they don't like.
If these dynamics play out on the job, it becomes a case of workplace mobbing. This is when a group of people attempt to drive a target from her job. (The majority of workplace targets are women.) Often, there is a lead bully who teams up with one or more others who have strong narcissistic features. Sometimes, though, these "flying monkeys" are just very deluded pawns who think they're doing the right thing, in a strange sort of way. (Narcissists are highly manipulative, and are able to get people to do things they normally wouldn't.)
Even though I was once the target of a mobbing, which happened in church, I still haven't quite figured out the exact dynamics of what took place.
Pixabay image top by Hans
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Narcissistic abuse involves an element of betrayal. When we hear about romantic relationships gone wrong, we realize the guilty party often has strong narcissistic traits. Lying, cheating and even stealing large sums of money are common themes. When this happens, there are many places to find sympathy and support. No one has trouble believing that some men can be total jerks.
However, women who are betrayed by other women have few places to get support. In fact, sometimes, the abuse happens because her "best friend" turns out to be a "frenemy." Once this becomes apparent, the target can no longer run to her best friend for solace, as she normally would, since the wounding arrows came from that direction. To make matters worse, the abuser has had access to the target's secrets, so, to inflict maximum pain, she knows just where to shoot.
In addition, female narcissists usually don't act alone. They usually manage to also turn some "flying monkeys" against the target. This is done through fabrications (false charges) and distortions of real events. Chances are, the target also considered these women to be her "friends" as well.
Think twice about sharing this experience with anyone who's not familiar with the crazy, upside-down world of a malignant narcissist. No one is likely to believe you.
Being betrayed by a friend is a horrible thing to live through, on a number of levels. It is very painful, and when this happens you have a right to be upset. No one should minimize what you're going through.
Pixabay image top by OpenClips
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
A malignant narcissist may appear highly socialized. But don't let her exterior charm fool you. Inside is a dangerous predator whom, apparently, cannot survive long without someone to devour. Essentially, these individuals are high-functioning sociopaths. Even though they may be married with children, or work in a professional capacity, they don't adhere to normal social etiquette that everyone else is expected to follow.
For instance, if you befriend someone, there is the unspoken assumption that she has your best interests at heart. Her words are supposed to match her actions. If she says, "You're my best friend," she's supposed to also want your greater good. A morally disordered person, however, doesn't operate by these rules. She may smile at you, give you gifts and pretend to be on your side. At the same time, she's plotting ways to set you up for a big fall.
This is why it behooves us all to learn the warning signs of malignant narcissism, which is frighteningly common. Some psychologists believe that 1 out of every 25 people have abnormal character traits that put them on the narcissist/sociopath spectrum. However, others believe that this figure is on the low side. It may very well be, as morally disordered people don't tend to advertise their condition. So the rest of us must be very careful sharing secrets with a new acquaintance, as anything you say to a malignant narcissist will later be used to undermine and discredit you.
Pixabay photo top by MemoryCatcher
Monday, August 11, 2014
Narcissistic abuse is often carried out in the absence of other witnesses. This leaves the target in a strange position. You suffer a lot, but it's unlikely anybody will believe you if you tried to describe what you're going through. A malignant personality carefully plots and plans how to bring you to your knees with all of the precious of a chess master.
She spends a long time studying you. She makes sure her nasty, demeaning remarks are said when no one else can hear them. Her actions can always be taken two ways. So if you decide to use someone else as a sounding board, they'll probably think the incidents you're describing are too trivial to worry about or, perhaps, you are blowing them out of proportion. Narcissistic abuse unfolds over time. It's the total number of mini attacks, all added together, that can destroy someone.
The fact that no one would believe you, if you told them what was going on, is maddening. For a number of reasons, this is why I'm convinced it's best not to talk about what's happening with your other friends or acquaintances, and most especially with your work colleagues. First of all, they'll undoubtedly think you're overreacting. (Narcissists like to set up scenarios designed to make you look silly.)
Second, malignant personalities like to arrange instances where other people get to take a whack or two. This is known as bullying by proxy. This is one of the reasons they work so hard to turn people against you, because they use these flying monkeys to dole out some of the abuse. (Bullying by proxy allows them to operate under the radar. Few will suspect they're capable of such wickedness when no one sees them in action.)
So the person you most suspect of causing all the trouble may not be the main bully, just a pawn. If you do talk about this, then, later, you'll have to explain that the pawn wasn't such a bad person after all, compared to the real bully, who directing the players.
Sometimes, its' better not to talk about evil. Your best support during this time will likely be found online. Learn all you can about how narcissists operate, so you can extricate the current one from your life and make sure no more morally disordered people gain entrance to your world.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
People with personality disorders like to play victim. Ironically, they will accuse their targets of carrying out the same nefarious acts they are doing. A narcissist trying to ruin the reputation of her target will go around telling people the target is spreading nasty rumors about her.
If a narcissist is in management, and is trying to get her target fired, she'll complain to everyone who will listen that the target wants her position. Then, she'll fabricate some vicious lies. She'll claim the target is making it impossible for her to do her job, and that's she's withholding crucial information to prevent her from succeeding. (However, this is exactly what the narcissist is doing to her innocent victim.)
The flying monkeys abandon their ethics when they swallow a narcissist's story. At the very least, these people should ask themselves why the narcissist is digging up all this dirt and spreading it around. The target, on the other hand, is not behaving this way. Never forget, someone who gossips about others also gossips about you behind your back. Is this the type of person with whom you wish to cultivate a relationship? Does your need for acceptance and approval override common decency?
Please don't become a flying monkey, because, by doing so, you're going to help destroy an innocent person. A narcissist recruits her primates based upon a series of carefully constructed lies. Don't fall for them. First of all, it's wrong. Second, getting involved with a malignant personality is always a bad idea. In addition, once a narcissist is done with her current target, she'll need to find a new one. If you're one of her flying monkeys, chances are it could be you.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Malignant narcissists will use any and all information against you. Say, for instance, you're hoping for a promotion at work. You happen to share this desire with someone in your office, who has strong narcissistic traits. You also let her know this promotion, more or less, hinges on the success of your upcoming project.
A normal person will wish you well and sincerely mean it. A malignant narcissist, on the other hand, sees your success as an affront to her very being. Gripped by insane envy, she will do everything in her power to try to make your project flop. This can range from spreading nasty rumors, "forgetting" to let you know about an important meeting (critical to the project) or even trying to organize a lot of social events outside of work, in an effort to distract you from focusing on the project. The night before the big presentation she arranges an office meeting you can't afford to miss. It stretches late into the night. Then, it's followed up by drinks at a local cafe. This is all designed to make you so tired that you can hardly see straight the next day.
People who've never been involved with a female malignant narcissist may have a hard time believing someone could be so conniving. However, those of us who've crossed paths with one of these characters know they're capable of everything described above, and a lot more as well.
This is why we need to keep our personal information tightly under wraps, especially at work.
Monday, August 4, 2014
If you've never had close dealings with a narcopath, you won't understand the damage they can do. This disbelief factor is what allows them to get away with so much. By now, most people know that sociopaths exist. However, it's assumed people with this extreme moral disorder, are serving time in jail, or will be, as soon as they're caught. Less plausible is the fact that high functioning sociopaths (narcopaths) are working as doctors, lawyers, accountants and teachers. You even find them in ministry. Sometimes, you'll find them praying in the pews.
Narcopaths are our next-door neighbors. Or, the "nice" young mother driving her children around town may have a deeply disturbed and malignant personality.
Once you have a run in with a narcopath which typically results in your life being turned upside down, at least temporarily, you know they exist. What we need is a whole new level of awareness, so these sneaky, character-flawed people don't get away with quite so much.
Friday, August 1, 2014
In addition, keeping us off balance helps them to better control us.
Part of the smoke and mirrors game they play involves arranging various situations that make us uncomfortable. We're not quite sure why we feel this way, but something isn't right. In fact, in a social setting, or at work, having a vague feeling of unease is one of the signs a malignant narcissist is in your midst.
If your experience with a female narcissist is anything like mine, you become unsettled when you're in her company, but you don't know why you feel this way. As she draws other people into her tangled web, in an effort to destroy you, these feelings of unease increase.
When you're walking with a malignant narcissist, life is a continual balancing act. If you've had no prior experience with a malignant person, it's very difficult to comprehend how someone who appears so nice could act so wickedly. But once your eyes are opened, you understand more about this insidious disorder.
Narcissists often employ a sick psychological trick known as "gas lighting," in which they deny something that really happened. They do this to make you question your own perceptions. Morally disordered people also keep us off kilter with "directed conversation." This means they say something, seemingly unintentionally, within earshot. However, it's a very calculated message they're trying to get across.
What's the best way to deal with a malignant narcissist? If they're not related to you, adopt the "no contact" rule. You'll be much better off without this sort of poisonous influence in your life.