Saturday, November 29, 2014

Never Write a Letter to a Female Narcissist

I might have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. If you've discovered that one of your female "friends" likely has a character defect, and you want to speak with her, make sure you do this in person, and not by letter or by email. The latter is an especially poor way to communicate with a narcopath, because it's very likely she'll use these emails to hurt you.

For instance, she may keep asking for clarification about what you meant, in your original email. Each question is designed to put you on edge. When confronted about anything, a narcissist will deny responsibility and turn the blame on you. So you fire back repeated emails, attempting to explain yourself. These repeated emails might, eventually, become emotional, as you attempt to defend yourself from her repeated accusations. If someone else read these, they could conclude that you, and not the narcissist, are the source of the problems.

Unfortunately, you'll be playing right into her web of deceit. If you send such correspondence to a morally disordered person, you can rest assured she'll share it with as many people as possible, in order to convince them that you have "a lot of anger" or are "unstable." Of course, she'll never show them the emails from her that precipitated this exchange.

Actually, it's wrong to share a private email with anyone else. If someone tries to share another's personal email with you, I'd call their motives into question. I'd also refuse to read it.

A malignant narcissist has zero integrity. Never underestimate her capacity for deception, and her ability to plot and plan to achieve her goal of destroying someone else.

Pixabay photo top by PublicDomainPictures

Friday, November 28, 2014

Abusers and Deceivers Always Wind Up Losing

A narcissist will take months, if not years, planning and plotting for just the right time to strike. She will never do anything unless she's assured of "victory." For a female narcissist, this means ruining her target's other friendships and separating her from important people in her life. She accomplishes this by telling outrageous fabrications, designed to make the target look bad.

This serves a dual purpose for the female bully. First, she gets to watch her target suffer, since what she's done is very cruel. (Malignant narcissists often derive pleasure from other people's pain.) With everyone questioning the target's actions and motives, the narcissist can now count on them not to offer any resistance when she launches a full-scale attack, designed to destroy the target.

Relationships are a game to a malignant narcissist. She wants to win at all costs. She views people as objects to be moved around in a game of emotional chess. A morally disordered person will spent an inordinate amount of time studying her moves, with a patience that would make a world-class chess player look impulsive.

Psychologists call this type of behavior "relational aggression." As it become more apparent that not all narcopaths and sociopaths are men, as was previously assumed, it's now known that female predators abuse their victims on a more emotional level, by marginalizing them and excluding them.

Although, if you're a target, it may seem as if the narcissist is flying high, this is only for a season. Her crash is coming. Narcopaths always end up losing, as their lies and deception eventually convict them.

Pixabay photo by LoboStudioHamburg

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Being Thankful for the Narcissist in Your Life?

I realize this might be difficult to read for someone caught in the middle of a web of lies, deceit and betrayal, three things female malignant narcissists specialize in. This is a very painful time, when the damage caused by a single person can seem otherworldly.

However, as  you look back upon this terrible time, you'll begin to see blessings. These you can thank the narcissist for. For instance, her actions may make it impossible for you to stay in your current work situation. What often happens is that you land someplace better, without the toxic office environment she created. Unless someone from upper management steps in to correct the problem, which almost never happens, you can rest assured this female bully is continuing on her wicked ways, and, in all likelihood, now targeting someone else.

Or, maybe you had a group of friends and the narcissist decided to divide and conquer. She managed to turn people against you, with her vicious lies. However, these people were never your friends to begin with. What happened is that they showed their true character, as weak, flying monkeys. To these people, you need to say goodbye and good riddance.

Eventually, you will be happy again. Actually, you'll be much happier than before, when you didn't know as much about malignant narcissists and how they operate. Armed with this knowledge, you will never again stand for being mistreated. You'll no longer overlook someone's serious character issues with the excuse of, "That's just how she is."

Undoubtedly, the most painful part of a narcissistic smear campaign is all the damage that results. You watch people you once considered your friends fall, one by one, under the wiles and charm of the narcissist.

As recover from this experience, you will realize that the narcissist was a blessing in disguise, because you won't be wasting your time with people who really don't care about you and won't lift a finger to help, because their self preservation is much more important. They are willing to watch you suffer, and won't take even the slightest person risk to alleviate your misery.

So, we can be very thankful to the narcissist for exposing these folks. Now, we can make room for people with a lot more integrity.

Pixabay image top by GingerQuip

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Wishing You've Never Met a Narcissist

After you discover that someone you considered a "friend" has a serious moral disorder, you begin to put the pieces together. No doubt she has caused a lot of damage. She has destroyed various relationships with other people. Perhaps she has driven you out of a social group. Or, maybe she has destroyed your reputation at work, and caused you to lose your job. In any event, it feels as if someone has repeatedly kicked you in the gut.

It's times like these, when we look back on what has happened, that we wish we had never met this person at all. Or, at least we wish we had realized much sooner this person's potential for deception and treachery.

However, as tempting as this type of thought pattern is, it's not a healthy one. (I'll admit I once spent way too much time dwelling on the "what ifs.") The reason we need to step away from this mindset is because it's not productive. We can never go back in time and change what has already happened. All we can do is move toward acceptance, and, eventually forgiveness. The popular saying, "It is what it is," definitely applies here.

If you've recently suffered from narcissistic abuse, at the hands of another female, and you've just realized this, you have a right to be angry and upset. Few things are more difficult to get past, than betrayal by a "friend," someone whom you assumed was pulling for you, and not working against you.

However, in time, believe it or not, you will also see the blessings that have come about as a result of this experience. You won't see them right away, especially while your wounds are fresh. But you'll see them later, when you'll look back on what has happened.

Tomorrow, which is Thanksgiving Day in the United States, I'm going to write about why I'm now thankful to the woman, to the fake friend, who once turned my life upside down. (You can read about my experience in earlier posts.)

In the end, the abusers and deceivers always turn out to be the losers. (I'll also discuss this more in a future post.)

Pixabay image top by kropekk_pl

Monday, November 24, 2014

A Narcissist's Words Versus Her Actions

If you want to learn what someone's truly made of, watch what they do, and ignore what they say. Looking at someone's actions gives you a much better read than listening to their words. With nearly every malignant narcissist I've met, there's a serious disconnect between what they profess and what they really intend to do.

Since this blog is about female malignant narcissists, there is one way in which a morally disordered person often gives herself away. Watch for how she treats her loved ones, and disregard how she claims to treat them. For instance, she may talk as if she's mother of the year. (Female narcissists with children will try hard to convince you of that.) However, curiously, they don't like to spend time with their offspring. This day-to-day maintenance work seems to be beneath them. So they're always looking for someone else to do this job. Unfortunately, the children of a narcissistic Mom suffer terribly, because she has, for all intents and purposes, checked out of their lives.

Oftentimes, it's the husbands who do all the heavy lifting when it comes to childcare, while Mom is off doing her own thing. This could be work related or it could involve shopping and going to the gym. It could even mean doing volunteer work, or spending a lot of time at church. What a narcissistic mother is looking for is the constant feeding of her ego, often referred to as "narcissistic supply." She is always on the lookout for new sources of supply, and this is more important to her than taking care of her family.

Let's say the narcissist doesn't have any young children at home. Does she claim to be a nice person? All malignant narcissists are overly concerned with how others view them, so they all pretend to be nice. However, do her actions align with her words? Does she gossip about others? Does she purposely exclude others from various events she's organized? If so, she's not very nice. Nice people don't behave this way. These are also warning signs that you may be dealing with a morally disordered person.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Be Nice, But Not Stupid

Kindness is a virtue. But one lesson I've learned is that, if you're not careful, a morally disordered person will always take advantage of someone's good nature. With female malignant narcissists, this typically involves using relational aggression to harm a "friend." (Malignant personalities never have true friends, just people they use for one reason or another.)

For instance, you want to be sure that the people you let into your life are trustworthy. If not, they could infiltrate your other relationships. It's almost a given that if you introduce a morally disordered female narcissist to your friends, or to your family members, she will seize upon these people like a hungry predator. When she turns on you, which inevitably will happen, she'll cause a lot of collateral damage, as she works relentlessly to turn others against you.

Malignant narcissists are very conniving and convincing. Never underestimate their ability to cause trouble.

Although we want to be nice, kind and welcoming to all, in this day and age, we have to be cautious. We cannot just blindly trust a new acquaintance with our sensitive information. If someone is highly malicious, we can't trust them with any information, because these little tidbits will be twisted and embellished upon. I've never known a female malignant narcissist to not use relational aggression as a means to exert power and control.

So, learn all you can about malignant narcissism, in order to protect yourself from these predators. Don't make the mistake of being too open and carefree with introductions. Under no circumstances should you bring a new female into your circle of work associates, since this could be inviting disaster.

Pixabay photo top by bykst

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Once You've Known One Malignant Narcissist, You've Known Them All

Malignant narcissists are full of surprises, but only for those who've never encountered one of these characters. Those of us who've become entangled with one of these deceivers have come to learn that their deviant behavior is pretty predictable.

For instance, there are common threads that run through just about every encounter with a morally disordered person. Here are a just few examples of how a narcopath operates.

  • Your Relationship Follows a Pattern: In the beginning, a narcopath plays the role of soul mate. Meanwhile, she is taking note of your strengths and weaknesses. The latter she will later use to discredit you. It seems as if you've found the perfect friend. Sooner or later, the "friendship" cools and she's a little less available. This stages precedes the discard phase, when she dumps you after smearing your reputation and doing her best to turn others against you.
  • Idealization: Narcissists typically start out flattering you. So, watch out for anyone who comes on too strong with compliments and praise. You could be dealing with an untrustworthy person.
  • Inappropriate Anger: A malignant narcissist smolders with anger just below her smiling surface. You may catch glimpses of this early on, followed by rage and verbally abusive outbursts later. You'll likely see this side if you challenge her on anything, especially once the relationship has progressed to the "discard phase."
  • Compulsive Lying: I've yet to meet a malignant narcissist who was honest. Sometimes, they will lie just for the heck of it.
  • Charisma: Even nerdy "covert narcissists" have a certain charm that draws others to them. These master manipulators know just which buttons to push.
  • Disregard for their Family: Every female narcissist that I've known, who has children, bows out of their life, either physically or emotionally. Although she might talk a good game, her actions don't match her words.
  • Words and Actions: There is a disconnect between a narcissist's words and her actions. Disregard what she's saying, and take a look at what she's doing.
  • Social Aggression: Every female narcissist I've met is either a Queen Bee or a Queen Bee wannabee. She wants to dominate every social circle she belongs to. In order to do so, she will elbow others out of the way, in a most undignified manner.
  • Bullying Others: Female narcissists bully others by social aggression. This involves trying to ruin a target's other relationships, in order to isolate and punish her.

So, in a sense, if you've met one malignant narcissist, you've met them all. And, once you've identified one of these fakers, here's no use hanging around. Cut her loose and watch the peace and tranquility return to your life.

Pixabay image top by OpenClips

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

For Some Sociopaths, Being Nerdy is Their Cover

We tend to think of malignant narcissists as popular, gregarious people who know how to work a crowd. Oftentimes, this is true. However, we should also be aware of another type of predator, one whom is just as dangerous, if not more so.

Sometimes, a covert narcissist will come across as a nerd. I have personally met a few of these, one of whom has caused a great deal of trouble in my life, because she was the last person I ever would have suspected of having such a dark side.

Posing as humble and unassuming, a covert narcissist may dress quite frumpy. In high school she was likely one of the least sought out girls, and probably had few friends. Now, though, in adulthood, she wants to dominate the social scene. So she ruthlessly targets other women who seem to have a lot of connections. If you meet one of these women in a social setting, such as when a group of young mothers get together, she will slowly begin organizing all the events, pushing out anyone whom she views as a threat. Adult female bullies use what's known as social aggression to isolate their targets. This is a very cruel type of bullying.

If you go to church, chances are very good that you'll run into a female covert narcissist. These ladies are drawn to religious organizations, because this is where they can find acceptance, and also where they can easily manipulate others, since no one expects to find such a treacherous soul at church, especially one who initially seems so nice.

Covert narcissists are also found in the workplace. If you make the mistake of trusting one of them, they will carefully file this information away. Then, they will use it to ruin your reputation.

In my own humble opinion, coverts are the worst kinds of emotional predators, precisely because they appear so unassuming, so they easily gain our trust.

Just be aware that someone who looks and acts like a wallflower may have a much darker side. She may be highly competitive, despite the meek facade. These covert narcissists are very difficult to smoke out, even for trained professionals. So be careful. Don't spill your guts to anyone you don't know well. And, as usual, if someone is a new acquaintance, don't automatically assume she's trustworthy just because she seems to be. These covert narcissists are the proverbial wolves in sheep's clothing.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Monday, November 17, 2014

Narcopaths Bite the Hand that Feeds Them

Every malignant narcissist that I've known shares a common trait. They will use you and take from you as much as they can before they turn on you. When they decide to attack, they are truly like mad dogs who, to borrow an old cliche, will bite the hand that feeds them. If you've read this far, I don't think I need to tell you how evil it is to repay kindness with betrayal and deceit.

What makes it worse is that most of the time, a narcopath's decision to inflict emotional harm is highy premeditated. They meticulously plot and plan in order to get you to stumble into the various snares they have laid. This takes time, and a morally disordered person will wait as long as necessary, for the most opportune moment, to spring her trap, or, more likely, a series of elaborate traps.

You are first set up during the grooming phase, where a narcissist pretends to be your "friend" while she's getting to know you. During this time, she may even enjoy your company, or at least the benefits you can provide. However, at some point, you'll do something that doesn't sit well with her, because narcissists set impossible standards to which no one can ever hope to measure up, especially over the long term.

Once this happens, the relationship shifts and the narc begins to focus on your destruction. At the same time, she's still pumping you for favors and possibly even some cash. However, you don't yet know what's just around the corner. You might detect a little more moodiness, but you still consider her a friend.

Then you enter the discard phase. Armed with your secrets, this "soul mate" turned foe has successfully ruined your other relationships, as female bullies strike out at their targets by means of social aggression. This is a very cruel form of bullying that leaves the target isolated. If this plays out in the workplace, as it often does, the target usually loses her job. This happens either because she resigns, under pressure, or is fired.

So if you've ever bent over backwards to help a malignant narcissist, who then turned on you, don't kick yourself. We've all been there.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Friday, November 14, 2014

What Happens When You "Slight" a Narcopath

People with malignant narcissism are very mercurial. They can become enraged over nothing. Part of the reason for this is that they have very fragile egos, and, if they feel as if they are slighted, they turn into monsters.

You may not have done anything to set them off. This happens because they process information differently than the rest of us. Even a perceived slight is enough to set them on a rampage. So don't tie yourself in knots, worrying that you should have done something to avoid this reaction. Once you get involved with a narcopath, it's always going to end badly, no matter what you do. That's because people who suffer from this terrible personality disorder have extreme trouble maintaining healthy relationships.

Morally disordered individuals are initially drawn to people with high levels of empathy (something they lack). They know these "empaths" will serve a purpose. They may want your help in some way. Perhaps you are in a position to advance their career. Or, maybe you know a lot of people, whom they find interesting. In that case, they will use you for the introductions. Then, then will seize whatever it is they wanted.

There is nothing you can do to stop narcissistic rage, which is almost always irrational. During the discard phase, when the mask comes you, is when you'll see a narc's ugly side full force. She has no need to maintain a facade in your presence, since she no longer has any use for you.

By the time this happens, she has already moved onto the next victim. During her interactions with the new target, her mask is tightly secure, and she showers this new "friend" with all the attention she once reserved for you. The pattern then repeats itself.

Consider yourself fortunate this person will soon be out of your life. Distance yourself from this malignant individual as much as possible. Enjoy the peace that will once again flow through your life.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The Workplace has Become Increasingly Hostile

By all accounts, it seems as if the workplace is becoming meaner. Anecdotal reports indicate this is so, because, if you start talking to people working outside of the house, it's pretty clear that many of them are going into battle every day, as they deal with bully bosses and coworkers. There's also scientific evidence that this is the case. The Workplace Bullying Institute, an organization that advocates for embattled workers, has data that shows that one-third of all Americans have been bullied at some point in their career.

There is voluminous evidence that teachers and school administrators are among the worst offenders. According to the American Psychological Association, four out of five teachers say they've been bullied at school. The perpetrators are coworkers, but sometimes the parents and students are guilty.

It's my own personal belief that this disorder in the workplace is a reflection of great disorder within modern society, which has largely broken down. There has been a distinct moral shift in all areas, and this includes how we treat one another. Lying, deceit, betrayal, gossip and backbiting are now found where ever people congregate, even in church.

But most adults nowadays meet up at work. And this is where narcissistic ego-driven individuals tend to inflict the most damage. Once a hate campaign gathers steam, and you're the target, unfortunately, you have very little recourse. So it's probably in your best interest to start looking for other employment. Bullying at work usually ends badly for target. About 75 percent of the time, it means the end of his or her job.

Anyway, this is a blog about mean women who often suffer from malignant narcissism. At least 40 percent of the time, the bully at work is another female. Usually, she picks on another woman.

Pixabay image top by johnhain

Monday, November 10, 2014

Confusion May Mean You're Dealing with a Narc

Oftentimes, especially in the beginning of a relationship with an emotional vampire, there are no clear warning signs. This is definitely the case with a covert malignant narcissist, a type of person who's very good at masking her disorder. You often find these predators in the helping professions, such as teaching or social work. Unfortunately, coverts are also drawn into marriage and family therapy.

So, if you decide to see a therapist to help you work through some of the problems a narcissist has created in your life, be very careful that you don't place yourself in the clutches of another morally disordered person. Be aware of anything that seems amiss. In a therapist, this would be someone who talks about themselves too much, instead of focusing on what you need. She may also be a very fashionable dresser, or she may be a little too interested in how you plan to pay for your sessions.

After my own experience with a covert narcissist, I opted against therapy. (Please understand that I am not a trained mental health professional, and I write only from the perspective of someone who's experienced betrayal and deceit.) However, I did gain insight into this disorder from a relative who is a trained therapist. I also did a lot of reading, and, as a practicing Catholic, I believe the Holy Spirit led me to the right online resources, which I desperately needed, in order to shed some light on this encounter.

So, if you think you need professional help, don't necessary listen to me. Be sure to get help if you find that you can't function or are severely depressed. Just make an all-out effort to find a good therapist, and feel free to change therapists if you think it's a bad match.

Anyway, let me get back to my original point of spotting a covert narcissist, who works hard to cover her tracks. Perhaps the only sign you'll see is confusion, which appears whenever you're dealing with this person. Don't ignore this waving red flag, especially if you notice it in a new acquaintance. Narcissists specialize in creating confusion. Normal, healthy people do not.
Pixabay image top by Nemo

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Narcs Use Your Reactions to Destroy You

Malignant narcissists are emotional predators. Never underestimate their capacity to create conflict and cause harm. They employ a variety of tricks designed to destroy you, and they are so sneaky that those of us who don't suffer from this moral disorder usually can't even begin to comprehend how devious they can be.

Here is one example. A narcopath studies her targets thoroughly. So, when she's ready to attack, she knows just what buttons to push in order to get a reaction. It may take many little paper cuts, inflicted over time, until she draws some serious blood. But narcissists are very patient. They a curious mix of impulsive and plotting, and, if waiting serves her purpose, she can wait forever.

What she's looking for is a reaction from you. She wants an angry outburst, witnessed by others. Then, she can say, "See I told you so, I told you she was unstable."

Or, she'll send you confusing and inflammatory emails. Then, when you've just about had it, and you respond in an emotional manner, she's delighted. That's because she now has something to share with those people she's trying to turn against you.

Normal people do not scheme like this to bring down a rival. But a morally deficient narcopath will spare no effort, if she's out to neutralize someone.

Malignant narcissists are very dangerous and deceitful characters. Don't make the mistake of responding to one of these serial provokers.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Friday, November 7, 2014

Malignant Narcissists Exploit People's Trust

Unless someone is intimately familiar with malignant narcissism, chances are they'll have a hard time comprehending how someone can seem so nice, yet be so malicious. There is a such thing as covert narcissism, in which a person comes across as a saint, but. inwardly, is with envy and hatred. If you become their target, they will work very hard to destroy you. They want what you have, and they will do anything they can to get it.

Sometimes, though, a sadistic narcopath is not driven by envy. They may attack just to inflict pain, because they know they can get away with it.

Women with malignant narcissism are very good actresses, since they want everyone to think they are kind and caring. They've learned how to mimic the appropriate emotional response to portray themselves that way. If anyone suspected that this person had such a deep, dark character flaw, they'd run in the other direction.

Because most of us operate on a more honest level, it's hard to get our heads around the fact that a minority of folks think and act much differently. We tend to believe things we hear and take things at face value. It's this type of automatic trust that malignant narcissists exploit. They are able to commit outrageous acts against their target, because there are no social sanctions, since no one but their target has any clue they have an evil side.

This is why it's often recommended that targets remove themselves from the presence of a malignant narcissist. Because they are so deceitful, and others are so trusting, it creates a very unfair and unjust situation. No one who hasn't been a target of a narcissist, at some point in their lives, will be ever able to understand what you're going through.

Pixabay image top by artemtation

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Don't Waste Your Time with Hostile People

If a new acquaintance acts like she doesn't like you some of the time, she probably doesn't like you all of the time. What you're likely seeing is thinly veiled hostility, and it comes out at times when she can no longer hide it.

However, she still keeps you in her life, because, at the moment, you serve a purpose. Perhaps she's asked you to drive her children to school in the morning. Or, you might have a wider circle of friends and she'd like to get to know them. So she needs to keep you in the picture until she can accomplish her mission. Or, maybe you work with someone who fits this description. She can't show her true feelings, because everyone else in the office likes you. So she must mask them. You notice the anger and resentment only when her mask slips.

People who relate well to others do not act this way. They are open and approachable, and aren't subject to these mood swings.

This moody person is not a true friend and she never will be. In fact, she may have a serious personality disorder, such as malignant narcissism. If that's the case, you certainly don't want to waste your time with her. For one, it's a losing battle because you can never really please a narcissist, nor can you possibly live up to their ever-changing and unrealistic standards of what constitutes perfection. Also, once such an envious and malicious person gains access to your life, she create a lot of drama, which can take a long time to straighten out, and you may never be able to completely repair the damage.

Malignant narcissists are dangerous. My best advice is to learn all you can about this destructive personality disorder, and watch closely if you suspect someone is hiding their real personality behind a pretty facade.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Monday, November 3, 2014

A Malignant Narcissist Will Make You Feel Guilty

One of the defining features of malignant narcissism is the ability to commit absolutely heinous deeds without the slightest pangs of remorse. This lack of conscience allows them to plot and plan to harm you, while, at the same time, pretending to be your loyal and trustworthy friend. In the process, they will also use you for various favors, such as babysitting their children or driving them all over creation.

The rest of us wouldn't be able to live with ourselves if we behaved in such a treacherous manner. However, a morally disordered narcopath does not have these same restraints. She has likely behaved this way before, and will probably do so again. Malignant personalities have major trouble maintaining healthy relationships, so they will be on the prowl for a new target as soon as they finish with you. (This means they have successfully driven you from your job or from your social circle. If you have young children, they also punish them by separating them from their friends.)

Even though a narcissist doesn't have a well-developed conscience, she knows that you do. That's why she'll try to play on your guilt, in order to make you feel as if you're to blame for all the problems. Somewhere in their development, narcissists learn how to read other people's emotions, in order to mimic the correct response when they need to do so. Because they've acquired this "skill," they are very good at anticipating how normal people feel and how we tend react. So she knows just the right buttons to push, in order to make you feel guilty and ashamed.

So, if you have a female malignant narcissist in your life, the best way to deal with her is from a distance. If she's a friend, cutting her out of your life will restore your peace. If she's a coworker, and you're a target, you might have to think about working somewhere else. If this is not possible, I suggest learning all you can about this disorder, so you can protect yourself from a dangerous person, not guided by a well-formed conscience.

Pixabay photo top by johnhain