Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Female Covert Narcissists are the Absolute Worst

As a former target of a female narcissist, I never cease to be amazed at what some women are capable of, when they put their minds to it. This is not a good thing, when the female in question is an emotional predator.

Female narcissists have a distinct "advantage" over their male counterparts. Since they typically adopt a nurturing persona, they're often the last ones we suspect, when it's clear a situation has turned toxic. Since female narcopaths are extremely sneaky, we don't suspect they're the ones causing the disorder.

Creating confusion leaves everyone scratching their heads, and wondering what's going on. Meanwhile, the narcissist is able to move about unencumbered, because everyone is looking in another direction.

However, there's a subset of the female narcissistic population that's particularly dangerous. These are the coverts. A covert female narcissist is the absolute worst, because she hides her character flaws so well. She comes across as kind, generous, meek manners and pious, so she's able to fool everyone else.

You'll find plenty of coverts in what's often referred to as the "helping professions" and also at church. Occupations such as nursing, teaching, social work and marriage and family counseling give them the perfect opportunity to find people to exploit.

I don't even like to think about what happens when a therapist has a malicious personality, especially if she is trying to "help" a client still reeling from the abuse she's received from another psychopathic narcissist.

Nowadays, at church, you can practically bank on a strong-willed woman working the parish, with or without the pastor's consent. These women will destroy anyone (usually another woman), whom they view as a threat.

Covert narcissists are extremely effective at getting people to turn against their targets. They typically accuse the innocent target of "causing trouble." Because these proverbial wolves in sheep's clothing are so trustworthy, most people believe them.

If you've already been victimized once, you know what a female covert narcissist can do.

Pixabay image top by bdeanindy

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

How Narcs Prevent Victims from Sharing Stories

A smear campaign serves several purposes. For one, a malignant narcissist derives great pleasure from watching her target suffer. One by one, the bystanders show their true colors. They either refuse to support the target or they join forces with the bully.

Spreading vicious rumors about someone also empowers the narcissist. Disordered personalities want to dominate people. Ruining someone's reputation allows the narcissist to feel superior to the target, as this attack is driven by insatiable envy, in the first place.

Narcissists are very concerned about their image. Trashing the target justifies an adult bully's childish actions, as she attempts to convince others you deserve what's happening. If you react in an emotional manner, it makes matters worse, because she'll use this incident to discredit you. (All along, she was hoping to trip you up this way.)

The lies serve another purpose as well. They keep people divided, so no one is able to figure out who's causing the trouble. Oftentimes, the narcissist is the last person anyone would suspect of stirring things up.

Even if the targets are not the type of openly speculate about someone's motives, the narcissist doesn't know this. She also assumes other people will also try various underhanded ploys, and gossip just as prolifically as she does, even if they have no desire to do so. In order to keep everyone confused, she tell wild stories to pit one person against the next. Of course, her juiciest tales are reserved for her current target, whom she intends to destroy.

This is why, as the relationship with a narcissist heads into rocky waters, you can pretty much bank being the object of a smear campaign.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Monday, December 29, 2014

A Strong Social Support System Protects You From a Narcissist

A malignant narcissist is an opportunist. She'll only strike when and where she senses weakness. That's because she plays to win. So she won't engage unless she smells "victory." A malicious predator wants to ruin her target. But she'll only attempt this if she knows your social support system, in that particular setting, is weak.

Female bullies attack their victim's other relationships. However, this only works if the other players lack integrity. Solid citizens don't participate in games that hurt others, especially when they can clearly see the devastating results.

Some of these pawns are less culpable than others. But, still, everyone should have critical thinking skills, which allow them to see through these silly charades. These weak and needy enablers are also responsible for what happens to the target, because a narcissist is dependent upon their active or passive participation.

Likewise, a solid support system offers immunity from narcissistic abuse. If you have a strong group of friends, and the narcissist knows this, she think twice before trying anything. Consequently, the onlookers and bystanders hold all the cards. If, and only if, they decide to play them, will an abusive situation gather traction.

This is why some situations are highly toxic, while others are much friendlier. It all depends upon the emotional health and the character of all involved. If a narcissist cannot gather the "right" mix of people, she is virtually powerless. Without her flying monkeys, she is grounded.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Saturday, December 27, 2014

When an Envious Person Gains Access to Your Life

Narcissistic abuse is often driven by envy. That's because malicious people have disordered emotions. They are devoid of empathy, but filled with jealousy and rage. Typically, though, these high-functioning sociopaths are able to maintain a facade of goodness, at least around most people. Their targets, however, know differently.

The problem comes when this envious person gains access to your life. I've been burned, in a big way, by being friendly to a seemingly benign, and somewhat nerdy, female narcissist. Because she appeared to crave simplicity, and she seemed to be doing a lot of outward good deeds, I assumed she was a nice person. However, behind this mask was a deceitful, competitive individual, whom I introduced to other people, to the detriment of those relationships.

It appears this narcissistic "friend" was envious of some of my other friendships, and desired them for herself. In the process, she also managed to disrupt our church-going plans, forcing our family to relocate to another religious setting. But that's okay, and, in a way, everything that happened was a blessing. I've since moved on and life is much more peaceful and fulfilling.

But my experience is an example of what can happen when someone is governed by self interest. Because malignant narcissists are so envious, they feel entitled to take whatever it is you have, be it money, your job or your family and friends. 

The best way to avoid these types of complications is to avoid these types of people in the first place. But this is easier said than done. Malignant narcissists are good at covering up their shortcomings, making you think they are one of the most altruistic people you've ever met.

That's why it's important to understand an estimated 1 in 4 seemingly normal people are so-called "everyday narcissists" or "everyday sociopaths." Because they are so clever, they are capable of fooling even trained professionals. 

However, one tip off is the way they make you feel. If you get an uncomfortable feeling around a new acquaintance you don't know why, pay close attention. Normal healthy people, who wish you the best, are usually very pleasant to be with.

Pixabay image top by OpenClips

Friday, December 26, 2014

Narcs and Facebook

If a malignant narcissist chooses you as her target, be careful about putting too much on Facebook and other social media sites. It's highly likely she'll be reading your posts, in order to collect as many details about you as possible, in order to discredit you. All information, even the most innocuous, is dangerous in the hands of a malicious person. That's because narcopaths like to use real events and facts, whipped up with outrageous lies, in order to turn people against you. If naive listeners hear part of a story, which they know is true, they assume the rest is as well.

Also, female narcissists like to ruin your other friendships and close relationships. If you are on Facebook, it's very easy for them to "friend" the people you know and love. Once they gain such entrance into your life, they are capable of great destruction. Disordered personalities often engage in what's sometimes referred to as "intimate infiltration." This means they try to connect with the other people in your life, so they can ultimately turn them against you.

Never underestimate the ability of a malignant narcissist to sow discord, and manufacture drama. One very unfortunate side effect of your involvement with a female predator is that she may "poach" some of your other "friends." Although this is a very painful experience, it is a blessing in disguise. These people were not true blue, and the narcissist has exposed their weak character.

Facebook is also a bad idea for another reason. You also don't want a malicious person to know where you're going and what you're doing. You're dealing with a potentially dangerous individual who has no conscience. She doesn't need to know your whereabouts. In this day and age, no one needs to know your plans in advance.

If you are a target of a malignant narcissist, consider deleting your Facebook account. Or, ramp up your privacy settings, and check them periodically, to make sure they don't revert back into a more public profile, as has been known to happen.

Pixabay image top by skeeze

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Merry Christmas to All

Twas the night before Christmas
and hope springs eternal
this season will find you
without the narcissist infernal

I wish you a joyous and peaceful New Year
free of the narc
whom wants to rob you
of all you hold dear

Bad memories, in time
are bound to fade
now strengthened and wiser
better friends will be made

The deceiver is gone
and so is the strife
peace will now reign
since she's out of your life

No longer in control
and pulling the strings
you have plenty of time
to do other things

The narc, though, still suffers
from an inner rage
never to be happy
she's locked in her cage

But you're now released
from her ruthless grip
while she's bound to stumble
as her mask happens to slip

We wish her no harm
she'll do this on her own
it's not our concern
her plans are overthrown

We emerge as the winner
a loser's game she plays
we're now free from her ploys
for the rest of our days

We look to the future
with much hope and cheer
Merry Christmas to all
and a Happy New Year

Pixabay image top by geralt

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Don't Let the Narcissist Steal Your Christmas Joy

Christmas is a magical time of year, even for non Christians. It's a beautiful season in which Jesus, Mary and Joseph are the antithesis of the narcissists we've had to deal with.

Enjoying this time of year is much easier said than done, especially if you are still stinging from the damage caused by the narcopath in your life. To the best of your ability, try not to let this disordered person rob you of all your Christmas joy.

There is still much good in the world. But there are, unfortunately, a minority of people who take pleasure in hurting others. This is the four percent of the population we need to avoid, going forward, if possible. Once you recover from the abuse, and decide to never allow yourself to be used again (I did this for far too long), nice people will appear. It's almost miraculous how this happens.

I realize some, or many, of the readers here will be spending Christmas with a narcissistic relative or sibling. This is a very difficult and challenging situation. You will be in my prayers. Fortunately, you are now well aware this behavior is their issue, and not yours. It springs from a very troubled mind and soul. Happy and healthy people do not go out of their way to hurt others.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, regardless of your circumstances.

Pixabay photo top by Alexis

Monday, December 22, 2014

A Narcissist Will Not Discuss the Abuse

Forget about discussing the abuse with a narcissist. This will never happen. That's because people with personality disorders don't like to be held accountable for their actions. They will invalidate your feelings, deny what happened or try to turn the tables. Incredibly, they may even accuse you of hurting them. You may see a combination of all these reactions, as well as what psychologists refer to as "narcissistic rage." This is an adult temper tantrum, similar to what you'd see in a two-year-old who can't get her way.

If the narcissist is a female friend, trying to get her to take responsibility probably marks the end of your relationship. (Try not to mourn this fake friendship for too long. Your life will be much more peaceful without her.) By the time you've noticed the "friendship" is one sided, it's already entered the devaluing phase. At first, narcissists idealize people they've just met. However, inevitably, you do something to "disappoint" them. That's when they remove you from your pedestal and replace you with someone else.

Once they begin to devalue you, that's when you notice more moodiness, coupled with critical remarks. This is also when the narcopath takes the opportunity to conduct a smear campaign. Female narcissists accomplish their mission of destruction by getting others to turn against you, after they've heard outrageous lies about your character.

By all means, feel free to confront the narc. Just don't do so in public, as she will be pushing your buttons to provoke an emotional reaction. Don't send her an email, or write her a letter, as she'll share it with others. Be sparing with your words, as you don't want to feed her any more personal information, which she'll use to harm you. Above all, don't expect an apology, or any real change on her part.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Saturday, December 20, 2014

How to Tell When Someone Really Doesn't Like You

Some of us have "friends" that are really enemies. In the best case scenario, it means they don't like you. The worst case is that they hate you, but, for some reason, pretend to be your friend. When you're not looking, they're very busy undermining you. Their ultimate goal is to destroy you, or, at the very least, cause you to suffer.

Despite their true feelings, these enemies-in-disguise wear a mask, so they pretend to be pulling for you. If you consider this person a friend, you probably share your problems with them. If your problems involve a relationship with someone else, there's a good possibility your friend/enemy is causing the trouble, especially if she suffers from malignant narcissism. (Narcissists are extremely divisive.) This and other similar conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, are often why women treat one another so badly.

The root of the problem, between you and your supposed "friend," is female rivalry. Overcome with envy, she wants what you have. If she can't have it, she doesn't want you to have it either. And she wants to steal whatever happiness you have away from you.

The good news is that these "friendly" enemies have virtually no power over us, once we smoke them out. As soon as you realize what they're up to, they do a disappearing act. (That's the best thing that can happen to you.) This usually starts as soon as you catch on to their act. For some reason, malicious personalities are very good at reading people. So they're very adept at picking up on subtle clues a relationship has shifted.

So, how can we tell when another woman really doesn't like us? Please understand that one or two incidents may mean nothing. Your friend might be having a bad day. However, if you see an ongoing pattern, pay attention. Here are some things to watch for.
  • The relationship is one sided. This means that you do all of the inviting. Although this sometimes happens, even in good relationships, there should be reciprocity on the part of the other person. This can take various forms, such as cards, thank you notes, and even sincere statements, such as, "I really enjoyed spending time with you.
  • Not being available. True friends will make time for you, even if it's just for a few minutes.
  • General moodiness. This is a bad sign. Most people are able to contain their bad moods around people they respect. If someone is consistently rude, she doesn't care enough about you to behave civilly. Good friends are usually delighted to see you, and are not put out when you call them on the phone, or walk up alongside of them to chat.
  • Snide comments. Even though an enemy may try to keep her mask attached, sometimes it slips. You'll see this in the form of snide comments, which seem to come out of nowhere. Even if she quickly catches herself, this type of behavior is inappropriate. Real friends don't do this. Rather than criticize you, they take pains to spare your feelings.
  • Stories that don't add up. People with personality disorders tend to lie a lot. If you catch someone lying, look for other red flags, such as moodiness.
Once you sense that your "friend" may not be true blue, play your cards close to your chest. Above all, don't share your secrets or personal information. Someone with a personality disorder will take every opportunity to use this against you.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Thursday, December 18, 2014

A Narcissist Wants Your Undying Loyalty

A malignant narcissist doesn't have a loyal bone in her body. Yet, she expects undying loyalty from her  "friends." She will put you to the test, to prove your loyalty. Oftentimes, this is in the form of favors. For instance, she may need you to drive her children to certain activities. Or, she may want you to watch them for extended periods of time. (Narcissistic mothers typically shirk their responsibilities, and recruit others to raise their brood.)

Cold and calculating, they don't care about anyone else. It's all about them. They demand a lot, and you need to comply, if you wish to maintain the "friendship." As soon as you resist, or your use expires, she will discard you.

She may get angry the first time you say "no," and then decide to "punish" you by finding someone else to help her out. A narcissist's ego is so inflated, that she believes you're rewarded, or compensated, just by being in her company.

Or, perhaps the activity you drove her children to has ended. This also spells the end of the "friendship."

If you're a relatively new reader, you may not be familiar with the term "discard." This is a predictable phase that happens when you're involved with someone who has an anti-social personality disorder, such as malignant narcissism or even borderline personality disorder. There's also a non-technical way to describe these types, and that is "toxic."

Because people with these character flaws do not have empathy, or suffer remorse when they hurt others, they deceive and manipulate people to serve their own ends. If you're useful to them, then they keep you around. As soon as you're not, they dump you. But, oftentimes, they don't just walk away. Instead, right before they say goodbye, they decide to destroy your life.

This can include spreading outrageous lies about you, so that you become socially isolated. Or, if you work with the narcissist, she may try to get you fired.

We hear a lot about romantic relationships that have gone bad. However, female "friends" are capable of great treachery as well.

Discarding cannot be avoided, because it is impossible to please a narcissist over the long term. They have very stringent standards that no mortal could ever measure up to.

Unfortunately, the "friend" who pulls the trigger is the same one we were once willing to take a bullet for.

Pixabay image top by Hans

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Being Friends with a New Person Following Narcissistic Abuse

As you recover from narcissistic abuse, at some point, you'll meet new people who are potential friends. Many people who survive such an experience report that they now attract folks with more integrity, as they are unwilling to stand for any more psychopathic games. This is one of the blessings that comes from your encounter with a disordered personality.

Since this blog is about female predators, whom emotionally abuse other women, I'm writing specifically about female "frenemies," or enemies in disguise. You learn of their true nature after they've created conflict in your life, and ruined other relationships. (But don't spend too much time mourning these other "friendships," as the connection was weak to begin with.)

Anyway, my own encounter with a malicious female sent me reeling, because she was one of the last people I thought would betray me. The fact that a "friend" had been working for years to destroy me was shocking. But it made me think about why I attracted such a character in the first place. I needed to change, if I didn't want another narcissist in my life.

One of the most critical changes centered around what I would tolerate. I had been too willing to put up with abuse. A critical "friend" is not a true friend. Someone who makes unkind comments, even if she's only trying to "help" you, is not someone you need around. Since cutting off contact with this person, my social problems resolved themselves.

Now that I know what to look for, I am taking the advice of television psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw. When a new person enters my life, I put them on a "watch list."

This, I believe, is an excellent recommendation. Personality disorders are so prevalent today, so we have to be very careful with people we don't know well.

In recent years, I've met some wonderful new friends. Never again will I allow a malignant narcissist to gain access to my world.

Unfortunately, though, I still seem to attract them. However, the relationship doesn't even get off the ground. I'm looking for warning signs, and I think they know it.

Narcopaths are always searching for a target. Once they realize it's not going to be me, they quickly move on.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Monday, December 15, 2014

Has Hollywood Made Us More Narcissistic?

My grandmother used to love old movies. Even though she was a serious woman, these vintage flicks would bring a smile to her face.

They were very entertaining. Invariably, they were love stories, involving a beautiful and manipulative vixen who manages to land the man of her dreams. Through plotting, scheming and game playing, the vain, shallow, self-absorbed heroine always got what she wanted. Then the movie ended, and, presumably, everybody lived happily ever after.

There was no sequel to show that life was probably miserable living with this woman. Her desire for the finer things in life, coupled with a need for constant pampering, must have worn thin for her husband, as the story lines always the main characters in the direction of walking down the aisle.

If children were part of the picture, they were typically portrayed as being very well dressed and clean  cut. Mom treated them more as expenditures of herself, rather than real people, with real wants and needs. Often, they were handed over to a nanny, or another female caretaker, because their mother had more important things to do. She'd give them a cursory peck on the cheek, and off she'd go. The message is that she had much better things to do.

These "heroines" have been portrayed as the ideal women, and these movies gave the distinct impression that if you are good at conniving, you'll be rewarded. You'll end up with Prince Charming, who will whisk you away to his castle, where you'll never have to lift a finger for yourself, or anyone else.

The female stars in these movies were horrible role models. We've been watching these films for generations, and I wonder how many women have internalized the terrible values they promote. I also wonder how much they've contributed to the current epidemic of female narcissism.

Pixabay image top by skeeze

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Friends Who are Moody

One clue that a person is toxic is that they're not even tempered. This is a bad sign when you're just getting to know someone. Despite the newness of the relationship, you feel as if you have to be careful not to say the wrong thing.

Everyone has their off days. Mature people are able to put whatever's bothering them into a mental box. This enables them to act politely toward other people, regardless of their own disappointments or upsets. However, people with personality disorders aren't always able to do this. Under stress, their true character shines through.

If someone doesn't hold you in high enough regard to at least treat you with civility, then you might want to take stock of this "friendship." Perhaps, it's not what you imagined it to be. Of course, everyone has a bad day. If you've known someone for a long time, and they're a trusted friend, you can cut them a lot more slack.

But someone you barely know, who wants to cultivate a relationship with you, shouldn't be lashing out, or acting angry or aloof. This indicates a lack of respect for you or poor self control, or, perhaps, a combination of both. Would you treat someone you cared about in this manner? Probably not.

Or, you may simply notice a friend or acquaintance runs hot and cold. You can't quite put your finger on whether this person is being rude or not. But you are left with a vague uncomfortable feeling. (Don't ignore this.)

This moodiness is to be taken seriously, especially if you know you've done nothing to offend them. If you like this person, you can try asking them what is wrong. If you don't get a satisfactory answer, definitely be careful. This means you should avoid entrusting this person with your secrets.

Oftentimes, the only early clues you are dealing with a covert narcissist are brief flashes of anger, or sudden moodiness. "Frenemies" aren't sure whether they love you or hate you. Usually, it's the latter. These are not people you need in your life.

True friends are approachable at all times. If something is bothering them, or they want more space, they tell you honestly. The relationship feels right. You feel comfortable.

Toxic "friendships" leave you with an icky feeling. They erode your confidence. So heed the warning signs.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Friday, December 12, 2014

Malignant Narcissists Want You to Suffer

Never underestimate a malignant narcissist and what she is capable of. Couple this with the fact that she derives pleasure from watching you suffer, and you can begin to understand how dangerous it is to let one of these characters into your life.

It gets worse. Most malignant narcissists have learned how to perfect their cover, so, when you first meet them, there are only a few few telltale signs. They seem just like regular people, except that, early in the relationship, they often come across as more likable. They are fun and engaging.

Because they seek to make a quick connection, they quickly size you up and learn what you are interested in. Then, they pretend they like the very same things that do. This allows them to pose as your soul mate.

Finally, you've found someone who totally understands you. (A little too much, because narcopaths seize upon your weaknesses in order to harm you.) So you confide in this wonderful new "friend."

However, everything bit of information is like a stick of dynamite. When she's accumulated enough of these sticks, she's ready to light a match.

She will construct a series of scenarios designed to humiliate you. Each time you stumble, she'll gleefully point this out to everyone who happens to be watching. These traps will be carefully set up, so that it appears as if you're doing something wrong. Then, using the art of innuendo and exaggeration, she will skillfully turn people against you.

Much of the suffering you endure comes because you realize people you thought you could count on have let you down.

One out of every four people meet the criteria for having an anti-social personality disorder, an umbrella term that includes malignant narcissism, psychopathy and even borderline personality disorder. There are no clear lines separating these different categories.

If you have a "friend" with such a character flaw, it is going to end with a bang.

That's why it's good to learn all you can about malignant narcissists, and how to spot them, in order to protect yourself from their charades.

Pixabay image top by OpenClips

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Why a Narcissist Wants to Maintain the Relationship

Malicious people seem to know when you've had enough of their act. This is when they'll suddenly revert to their best behavior, in order to draw you back in to their toxic world. They do this to keep you in the relationship.

Why does a narcissist want to maintain a "friendship" with you, when she doesn't care about you? Perhaps she even hates you, an emotion driven by her insane envy. You catch glimpses of her true feelings when she makes a critical remark, which seems to come out of nowhere. Or, she may lash out at you for no apparent reason. She may also become "moody" during the times she can't keep her disdain for you under wraps.

So, why does she want to be your "friend?"

At this point, you still serve a purpose. Malignant narcissists, also known as high-functioning sociopaths, view other people as objects. They don't care about your feelings, and, if they hurt you, they have no regrets. However, as long as you have a use, they'll keep you around.

Maybe you are acquainted with people she wants to get to know herself. In that case, a female narcissist will keep you in the picture, just long enough until it's socially acceptable to contact these people on her own. Once she's able to do that, she'll quickly dump you. These secondary relationships are why she became your "friend," in the first place.

Many malignant narcissists don't like caring for their children. So they need someone else to step in. Oftentimes, it's one of their "friends." They "nurture" this "friendship" as long as it's convenient. As soon as it's not, they move on.

This is how narcissists operate. However, even if you are all used up, they still may not let you say "goodbye." That's because they want to be the ones to end things. This is called "discarding." Most narcissists are not content to simply walk away. They prefer to dump people in a cruel and calculating manner.

That's why, if you decide to leave before this plays out, a fake friend will try to hold on to the "friendship." But only long enough until she's able to end it her way.

Pixabay image top by viro

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Female Treachery is the Worst

I must thank an online buddy for the inspiration for this post. He acquainted me with the proverb, "The corruption of the best is the worst," in regards to how women treat each other. He pointed out that women, at their best, are kind and compassionate, in a way far superior to the male gender. However, when corrupted, they turn into ugly beasts, capable of great treachery.

It is this paradox that can make female friendships fraught with disaster. Women seem to relate to one another with much more emotional complexity than the typical man does with his friends. This is something I noticed when my children were small. If my son had a group of friends over, these boys easily entertained themselves. If they were given a ball, they'd happily play for hours.

However, things were much different for my daughter. She was shy and awkward and had difficulty making friends. Little girls size each other up before they'll interact. This is a practice that starts young. Even three-year-old girls can be very choosy about whom they'll play with.

Most women form strong bonds with their female friends. We treasure these relationships because another woman understands us in a way that even our husbands don't. We share our thoughts, wishes, hopes and desires with other women. Oftentimes, we trust them with our secrets. This can be a mistake, as all too many of us learned in hindsight, after the damage was done. This is why betrayal by a female "friend" can be so devastating.

When a woman is corrupted by envy, anger, revenge, the desire for power or the need to boost her own ego, she becomes toxic to her "friends." She will betray them the most ruthless, heartless fashion.

Also, when a female "friend" turns against you, it's never a clean process. Most female bullying involves relational aggression, which consists of telling outrageous lies and damaging half-truths in an effort to turn other people against you.

Pixabay image top by OpenClips

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Teachers Who Bully Each Other

Bullying at school has received a lot of attention. But not enough. That's because only one facet of this problem has been covered. What's largely ignored is the fact that teachers can also be bullies. They can emotionally abuse the children in their care. Also, female malignant narcissists who happen to be teachers can also make life quite difficult for their colleagues.

The statistics on teacher bullying are sobering, and alarming. The American Psychological Association conducted a survey of 3,000 teachers. A shocking high percentage (80 percent) report they've been bullied on the job, with the abuse coming from a variety of sources, including colleagues, principals, parents and their students. Things seem just as bad on the other side of the Atlantic. According to a BBC report, about 25 percent of teachers in the UK have been bullied by a coworker.

There are plenty of anecdotal reports as well. Talking to teachers, you realize that many are working under very hostile conditions. One now retired teacher I know had a mean principal, and was forced to flee to another community to finish out her career.

This begs the question of how in the world a teacher can they focus on her class, if she's working in a war zone.

Most of my professional life I've been a writer. But, for a few years, I interrupted my writing to pursue a possible career in education. I can assure you some of the other staff members, who worked in my school, would seize every opportunity available to undermine a rival. It was a cut throat atmosphere. In the teacher's lunch room, they also gossiped about the students and their families. The school psychologist had a mouth that didn't stop running. I'm so happy that I'm back writing.

It's good that a lot of attention has been focused on school yard bullying. However, some of that light now has to shine on teachers and administrators who misbehave.

Pixabay image top by chrystal-e

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Attracting Better Friends

It's true that as you become stronger, you begin to find emotionally healthier companions. Dr. Lynne Namka, Ed.D., who writes excellent material on malignant narcissism, explains this in one of the articles on her site.

Get Your Nardar On! she tells us, teaching us how to avoid people who will take advantage of us. On her site, there is also a message, "Unselfish People of the World Unite Against Unbridled Narcissism."

Dr. Namka also gives us information on how to stop being a codependent. Although I don't really like this term, I do understand what she means. If we learn to spot selfish, egotistical, manipulative and deceitful people, we can protect ourselves from getting involved with them. (If you're reading this blog, I'm going to presume you've probably suffered at the hands of an emotional predator.)

This is why she tells us to turn up our "Nardar." I think it's a rather cute term, and it appears that Dr. Namka is the one to have coined it.

By necessity, I have had to really fine tune my "Nardar," Right now, I think it's working pretty well. In recent years, I've met some selfish and manipulative people. Very quickly I've realized that something is amiss. The thing I've also noticed is that, although they may show an initial interest in me, very quickly they decide to move on. Ironically, it's almost as if they know I'm clued in. Or, maybe they do know. People who reside on the anti-social personality disorder spectrum are very good at reading people. It appears as if I'm now sending out signals that say, "Don't even try."

Of course, I still attract narcissists. But this could be because I spend a lot of time at church. (Highly manipulative people love churches and volunteer groups.) However, because my "nardar" is always on now, these people simply become acquaintances, instead of "friends."

The good news is that as you recover from narcissistic abuse, you realize you have no room for users and fakers.

Pixabay image top by Erika Wittlieb

Friday, December 5, 2014

When a Malignant Narcissist Admits Her Faults

Occasionally, a malignant narcissist will come right out and admit that she has some pretty serious faults. Why she will do this isn't entirely clear, at least to me. But I can think of a few possibilities. Remember, pathologically disordered people always have an angle (or several) and always have a target, someone they're trying to destroy.

It appears as if they engage in this exercise for a number of reasons. Everything a narcissist does serves a specific purpose. If it's early in the relationship, during the grooming phase, when they are probing you to uncover your strengths and weaknesses, they may hope you reciprocate with revealing some hidden faults of your own. Or, they may be trying to earn your trust. "See how honest and transparent I am." Perhaps they could be trying to explain away a certain deficit they know is readily apparent. This allows them to put their own spin on it. Also, by stating something incriminating, in a matter-of-fact manner, they manage to desensitize you to the fact that they're behavior is morally repulsive.

For some strange reason, these sadistic female narcissists sometimes even feed you information, as you're just getting to know them, which lets you know they can't be trusted. Pay attention to these revelations.

Of course, when a narcissist is no longer on her best behavior, and commits some outrageous act, she will also admit her faults in order to get back into your good graces. But this "apology" is only temporary. The fact she's trying to preserve the relationship only means that you still serve a purpose. As soon as you don't, she'll quickly discard you.

Pixabay image top by PublicDomainPictures

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Malignant Narcissists Hate Boundaries

What's one of the easiest ways to trigger "narcissistic rage?" All you have to do is to set a boundary. Malignant narcissists hate boundaries. They are used to trampling all over people and getting their way. Putting a limit on their bad behavior, or letting them know you won't take it anymore, usually makes them very angry.

When a narcissist is raging, she will hurl all sorts of false accusations against you. If you are not clued in to the fact that she has a personality disorder, you may even internalize these ridiculous charges, and believe that you did something wrong. This is one reason why it's in our own best interest to learn all we can about narcissists, and how they operate. Knowledge is power. It's also very liberating because you can step back and observe the madness, with a detachment that comes only after you realize this is their disordered behavior, and not yours.

Here's how one narcissist and I parted company. This woman didn't drive, and for years I carted her and her children around, going many miles out of my way to bring her places. This was a very nice arrangement for her. It gave her freedom and mobility because, otherwise, she would have been stuck in her house all day.

However, after a couple years of driving, I realized this was a very one-sided deal and I decided to set a boundary.

She had arranged an activity that would run several weeks, in which our children could participate. However, in order for this to happen, I would have to drive. I agreed, even though the activity itself was stretching our budget. (At the time, we were a one-income family.)

The activity was close to my house, but I would have to drive to another community to get her children, and then bring them home. After years of driving her around, this one time, because money was a bit tight, I asked if she could help a little with gas money. Never before, on all of our car trips, had she offered any compensation.

At this request, she flew into a rage. Then she shoved some money in my hands. "Here," she said, anger rising in her voice.

Needless to say, this "friendship" ended quickly. It was also apparent from her demeanor that she now hated me.

This is an example of me trying to set a reasonable boundary, with someone who had been taking advantage of me for years. Narcissists hate boundaries.

Pixabay image top by Nemo

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Common, Everyday Sociopaths in the Workplace

The Hollywood stereotype of a sociopath is someone who is unmistakably disturbed. Their problems are clear to everyone who meets them. Most people still tend to think of sociopaths as safely locked up in jail, or at least on their way to a life behind bars.

However, the majority of sociopaths are walking and working among us. Someone on Pinterest once described them as the "everyday sociopaths." They are mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, next door neighbors and youth sports coaches. They function very well because they've learned to adapt. Most importantly, they've learned to mimic the appropriate emotional responses, even empathy, one thing in which they are grossly deficient.

In general, these people are not serial killers and usually pose no threat to your physical well being. But they can do a number on your mind, if you happen to become involved with one. Since sociopaths are not held back by the usual "constraints," such as guilt or remorse, they often excel in the workplace.

The current corporate culture prizes their more cutthroat attributes, which is why you'll find a lot of high-functioning sociopaths (also referred to as malignant narcissists) in upper management. Workplace bullying has reached epidemic levels in America, which is no surprise, given the likely number of sociopaths at the helm. Dr. Martha Stout, PhD., estimates that 1 out of every 25 people fits the criteria for anti-social personality disorder.

I'm going to venture my own unprofessional guess that this number is much higher in the average workplace, especially as you move up the ranks. That's because sociopaths love positions of power, and they will do whatever it takes to get to the top.

If you are working outside of the house, you may want to learn all you can about this insidious personality disorder, so you are better able to spot it. Forewarned is forearmed.

That's because if a sociopath targets you at work, watch out. Management will usually do nothing, and the likely result is that you'll need to resign, if you're not fired first.

Pixabay image top by geralt

Monday, December 1, 2014

When a Narcissist Acts "Humble" or Apologizes

Seemingly humble behavior, coupled with apologies, seems like something a malignant narcissist would have no part of. But there are occasions when such a show of "emotion" suits their purpose. So that's when you'll see the crocodile tears flow.

A narcissist will say she's sorry if backed into a corner. However, this may also happen along with narcissistic rage, which you're likely to witness when a morally disordered person, whom doesn't like to assume responsibility, is backed into a corner. The "apology" may also be delivered along with some fresh accusations directed at you. Narcissists specialize in getting us to apologize to them, in response to their outrageous and inappropriate behavior. So, be aware of this tactic.

Once someone has shown their true colors, you need to watch them closely after the "apology."Oftentimes, this comes right before they launch another series of attacks, even worse than the previous.

Then, there are the covert narcissists. Their whole act is to appear humble and even to make self-deprecating remarks. They may even tell you one of their real faults, or even confess that they have a serious character flaw. (If they admit it, believe them. Strangely enough, they are actually telling you that they can't be trusted.) Because they seem so humble, and unassuming, we tend to think they are nice people who have our best interests at heart.

But nothing could be further from the truth. Deep inside, covert narcissists are filled with envy and rage. They want what you have, and they hate you for having it. These are the most dangerous types of "friends" you can have. The last thing you need is one of these "frenemies" in your life.

Pixabay image by PublicDomainPictures