Thursday, December 4, 2014

Malignant Narcissists Hate Boundaries

What's one of the easiest ways to trigger "narcissistic rage?" All you have to do is to set a boundary. Malignant narcissists hate boundaries. They are used to trampling all over people and getting their way. Putting a limit on their bad behavior, or letting them know you won't take it anymore, usually makes them very angry.

When a narcissist is raging, she will hurl all sorts of false accusations against you. If you are not clued in to the fact that she has a personality disorder, you may even internalize these ridiculous charges, and believe that you did something wrong. This is one reason why it's in our own best interest to learn all we can about narcissists, and how they operate. Knowledge is power. It's also very liberating because you can step back and observe the madness, with a detachment that comes only after you realize this is their disordered behavior, and not yours.

Here's how one narcissist and I parted company. This woman didn't drive, and for years I carted her and her children around, going many miles out of my way to bring her places. This was a very nice arrangement for her. It gave her freedom and mobility because, otherwise, she would have been stuck in her house all day.

However, after a couple years of driving, I realized this was a very one-sided deal and I decided to set a boundary.

She had arranged an activity that would run several weeks, in which our children could participate. However, in order for this to happen, I would have to drive. I agreed, even though the activity itself was stretching our budget. (At the time, we were a one-income family.)

The activity was close to my house, but I would have to drive to another community to get her children, and then bring them home. After years of driving her around, this one time, because money was a bit tight, I asked if she could help a little with gas money. Never before, on all of our car trips, had she offered any compensation.

At this request, she flew into a rage. Then she shoved some money in my hands. "Here," she said, anger rising in her voice.

Needless to say, this "friendship" ended quickly. It was also apparent from her demeanor that she now hated me.

This is an example of me trying to set a reasonable boundary, with someone who had been taking advantage of me for years. Narcissists hate boundaries.

Pixabay image top by Nemo


  1. Wow! That was to overreact ALOT. She must have gotten so used to being spoiled her whole perception of her entitlement came crushing down on her so fast she forgot her own selfinterest. I mean, she didn't really think it through, as she NEEDED you... :))

  2. Actually, she quickly found another source of rides. If she didn't have other possibilities, I think she would have instead "apologized." At least I know better the warning signs of this disorder.

    1. Ah, she most likely already knew that. That's when they dump you furious and fast... :((

      Yes, we do need to see through these users. So much time and energy has been waisted assisting these adult toddler-brains. :))

  3. I actually have a coworker whom is in constant need of rides. She is about 15 minutes out of the way and it sets me back in the mornings before work, which I don't much like, but she's in need, right? Sometimes I take her home as well.

    I find it really strange that she has not once offered gas money. Personally, I'd feel guilty enough to offer if it were me, but she just raises the pitch of her sweet voice, "Thanks Amber."

    During the ride she is glued to her phone. She will vaguely answer my questions, but doesn't offer much and certainly doesn't inquire about myself. If I notice something on the road she does not bother to look. Her disinterest in me comes off as disrespect.

    I understand she has a child to raise. I understand she has rent to pay and it's not cheap especially working a job not much over minimum wage. But recently she's been getting short with me at work. A little disrespect here and there. Funny. Things I'd never do to people.

    What am I supposed to do? Not heed her need? Tell her no and watch her lose her job because she didn't make it to work? I'd feel real bad.

  4. This is a tough one. It sounds like she is using you and that she doesn't really like you that much, possibly because she's envious of your better life. We want to do things for others and we want to be good Christians. But we don't have to be doormats either. Maybe give this woman two to three months to find new transportation. This is her responsibility. If she has a personality disorder, and you're not going to meet her needs, this might anger her and she will smear your name at work. Narcs are very good liars. She may do this anyway, from how you describe her rude and disrespectful behavior. Sorry you are dealing with this.